Shout out to the hubs!

I read my weekly emails keeping me up to date with the pregnancy since it's been 6 years since I've experienced this....and quite frankly things are completely different this time around. But I'll admit, last night's first can totally be my last....I hope I never have that experience ever again.
This week's email mentioned that I might start to feel light-headed from standing up too fast, especially after sitting for long periods of time. I work at a desk and I have to drive 25 miles to and from home every day...so I sit a lot. And I've been getting light headed for a little bit....but not ever to the point of alarm. Until last night.
Normal day, normal everything. I get home last night and the second I step foot out of my car everything starts spinning. I get E out, and start to unload the car, but have to stop and call the Officer to come home. I just felt dizzy, but felt there was a possibility I could pass out and I didn't want to leave E just waiting for the Officer to get home. I came inside, sat down, and a few seconds later had to head to the bathroom...and that's where I stayed. I have never puked so much in my life. TMI, I know. I couldn't even open my eyes because the room was spinning so much.
So the Officer came home and asked what I wanted to do...as always I instructed him to call my sister. My first thought was, I'm pregnant and my email just said this was a possibility, so I'm sure it's nothing and I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Well, my sister didn't answer so the Officer called his EMT friend in town. EMT said to go ahead and take me in because the flu had been going around and since I was 34 weeks it was a good idea to have the hospital check on baby too. So, we called some good friends that were kind enough to take E for the evening.
Anyone who knows me knows I HATE LEAVING E...so that was hard in itself. But I trust our friends and knew E would be well taken care of while I was getting fixed.
The Officer went ahead and got E ready for bed so they didn't have to worry about it, and I laid on the couch until E got picked up. Then the Officer asked if I could stand up to walk or if I wanted him to carry me...I get motion sickness fairly easily so I knew that being carried was NOT an option....any movement that wasn't my own was going to make me puke and I knew it. So I sat up, puked, and once I could stand we got in the truck and left. That ended up being the longest ride EVER. BUT I didn't throw up until I had to move again once we got to the ER. Tiny victory!
So we go in and get sent to the OB floor immediately...and this entire time I still can't open up my eyes because yes, the room was STILL spinning.
Anyway, jump to the end...everything was fine...baby is fine. No real answer as to why I felt like I'd ridden the Tilt A Whirl a hundred times in a row. I have NEVER felt that kind of motion sickness/dizziness. I've always had a little vertigo to deal with....but THAT was insane and I hope I never ever ever ever ever have to feel that way again. It was scary and totally sucked.
I told the Officer that my old boss had once mentioned that no one should ever get married until they've seen each other through the flu. No I didn't have the flu, but that's as close as I want to be to getting it. And bless my sweet hubby's heart, he had to give up his weekend bachelor party with one of his best friends so that E and I are well taken care of. I have never felt so blessed to have found someone that will wrap their arm around my waist so I can walk without complaining or getting grossed out that there's puke on my shirt. He handled this situation like a pro and all I can say is E and I are extremely lucky to have him.
I honestly can say I don't know what I would do without him....and after last night, I hope I never find out.

There's a first for everything...and everyone

Holy cow it's finally here!!! E's first day of Kindergarten!!! It's so hard to believe that my baby is old enough to be "in school" all day every day. He's so grown up and independent. It makes my heart happy and sad all at the same time. It feels like just yesterday I was bringing him home from the hospital. So tiny and completely dependent on me. Now he's definitely not tiny and so independent. I can still help him do a few things, but he's pretty insistent that he does things himself. So here's just a few pictures of my adorable child.

This was the night before....his very first Open House! He had so much fun seeing his classroom. He loved that his desk had his name on it! 

The actual first day of school!!

How cute is he?!?!?! And so BIG!!! I can barely pick him up!

I didn't cry....E on the other hand had a little harder time letting mom leave for work...

And this would be from the 3rd day of school...although we're living in Wyo Cowboy Country we're still very much O-State Cowboys at heart!!!! We may be learning to say "Powder River Let Em Buck" we still throw up our pistols and shout "Ride Em Cowboys"!!!

 

It's Been a Rough Ride

I'm nearing the end of E's six week summer vacay with his dad, and holy buckets I'm ready for this to be over. I've learned a lot....a lot about me, and definitely a lot about the people I used to consider family, and at the end of the day all I can say is thank Heavens I only have to deal with this for a short time during the summer.
It's rough not getting to talk to your child, to not see your child. It's rough not knowing what's going on and not knowing the people that are around them.
I feel that The Officer and I have been extremely respectful and mature about our relationship with the ex and his family. Grandma, Papa, and the ex have all met The Officer. Regardless of what they think of him, they at least know who he is and I think that speaks volumes.
I don't have a problem with my ex and his new wife. I don't even have a problem with his family that cares enough to start rumors about E's mother. What I'm uncomfortable with is the fact that I have to put blind trust into someone that I've never met. The ex decided himself to not tell me he was getting married, that E would have a step mom and that my child would be staying with her alone. Now, I'm smart enough to realize that yes, should my ex get married E would be staying with them. And I'm not by any means trying to appear that I don't approve of his spouse, because I don't care. I simply don't understand why things are kept from me. What would I have done if he had told me about the wedding? Gone down to stop it? Tried my hardest to disrupt it? Absolutely not. I knew about the wedding for a long time. I'm someone that calls her child every other day and I purposely didn't call the Friday of the rehearsal dinner because I knew they'd be busy, or the Saturday of the wedding because I knew they'd be busy, or the Sunday after because I knew they'd be busy with family that had come to the wedding before they left. Am I the only one that thinks that was nice of me? I don't want to toot my own horn or make it known that I'm a saint, but seriously?!?!? Was that not the polite thing to do?
My problem per se is that I feel like it's rude and disrespectful that I wasn't aware of something that directly involved my child. I now have to be the bigger person AGAIN and reach out to someone I don't know because they'll be taking care of my child while his dad is working.
I sent an email to his dad stating that this was uncomfortable for everyone (probably just me) because obviously she's only heard mean and nasty things about me...because I've been told that's what's been said...but I don't know her at all. I've never met her, never interacted with her, and if I wasn't smart enough to put two and two together I would've never known about her. On top of that now I have to contact her to talk to my child. It’s weird! But the response his dad gave was, “he’s being taken care of.” Well golly gee….if that was my concern you can bet your butt I’d be down there in a heartbeat if I didn’t think he was being taken care of! I KNOW he’s being taken care of…it doesn’t change the fact that it’s weird I have to call the “other woman”!! Sheesh!
My heart belongs to my child….and all I’ve ever wanted was to be an involved mother so it’s not easy to just sit back and let someone else take the reins. It’s hard to just be on the sidelines. I’m sure it’ll get easier and I’m sure one day I won’t want to slap the ex upside the head….but until then I’m trying my hardest to just laugh at the confusion and breathe through the chaos. And I’m so so so appreciative of the mutual friends that we do have that update me and send me pictures of my sweet boy. They have helped make the last 5.5 weeks a bit more bearable.

How Do I Turn Off My Mom?

Ya know....it doesn't matter who has my child...I worry and I stress and I freak out when he's not with me. Mainly because I just don't trust that others have his best interest at heart....not like I do. I would do anything for him and I'm not convinced anyone would do the same. So I have a few issues....sue  me!
But it's been 4 weeks since he left for his summer in Oklahoma and I cannot freaking turn the mom in me off! It's driving everyone insane! Besides the fact that the ex and his family make it extremely difficult to talk to E...and FYI Grandma he cries when he has to talk to ya'll too...but what do I do with my free time? I still have to work...and take care of my house and my dog....but what the heck I have so much freaking me time it's ridiculous!
So....during my nice little meltdown the other day with my sister...I'm allowed a few now and then....we talked about what I could do to keep myself occupied while he's gone...and of course all her ideas were bad ideas....do my hair, my make up, clean....whatever May, I'm just gonna sit my behind on the couch and watch the Bachelorette! Ha! Okay not really....but she had a few good ideas. I'll give her that.
So The Officer has been amazing with keeping me distracted and doing things...I've been to the movies and to the lake more this summer than I have in the last few years. I even floated the river....I have the sunburn to prove it too! Ha! I've even come to work early and stayed late....ya, that's how cool I am!
While I've had all this free time...I've done a lot of thinking. I love E more than anything....probably a little too much at times. I love being his mom...I love watching him grow and mature....and I love being able to take care of him. I never asked to be a "part time" mom....his dad wanted that....not me. I want to be the mom that's always there...I don't want to miss my child growing up. But there's nothing I can do...E and I were forced into this situation...and I think we've done a pretty damn good job together too. I've always said I came to terms with being a single mom....just taking care of me and E. I didn't realize I could fall in love with someone just as much. The Officer is incredible. I know I'm a pain in the ass...it's a given once you've been hurt....especially when things are ended so abruptly with no given explanation. I didn't know if it was something superficial or innate that was the demise of my past relationships. Who knows...I don't. But you start to doubt yourself. Am I too fat? Is my laugh that bad? What about the way I fold my laundry? Is it my faith in God? The car I drive? My job? My degree? Something was wrong with me...or so I thought. I haven't felt pretty in a long time...I haven't felt good enough in a long time. How could I change what was "wrong" with me when I didn't even know what it was?!?!?
So when you're faced with decisions you make choices. My choice was to grow in my relationship with God. I went to church every Sunday. I prayed. I prayed for E, myself, my "enemies"...I prayed for everyone. But mainly I prayed for strength....to make the choices that I needed to make, whether they were the tough ones or the easy ones. I chose to grow in my relationship with my family and friends too. I've always been super close with my family and friends....but I wanted more. I needed to talk to them more....know what was going on in their lives more...to see them more...and be more involved.
That saying, "God gives you what you need when you least expect it"....so true. Bri gave me the chance to better mine and E's life by moving us to WY. Leaving my home and my friends, and especially my mama was the hardest decision I've ever made....but at the end of the day, it was the best decision I could have ever made. 
I never thought I deserved the love that I've found. The Officer is a blessing to me and E. I've never felt loved until now. I have a happier life now....I'm happier than I've ever been. E's happier than he's been in a long time. He has a ton of friends and he's getting ready to start school. He's growing up and turning into such a little man. And although I'd rather have E here all the time, I'm happy with how things have turned out for us. I love E and The Officer....E loves me and The Officer...and The Officer loves me and E.

A Love Story...Backing It Up

Okay...I'm getting ahead of myself. I KNEW there was a reason I was supposed to come to WY. In my naivety I had convinced myself it was for a fresh start at a better life for me and E....and for that I was right. I just didn't realize anyone else would be added to the equation. At least not like this.
So....after Christmas E was headed to visit his dad and I was headed home...alone. And at this point my sister had moved so I wasn't going back to her house to rest and play with nephews and then drive 4 hours...I was literally headed home...so I cried almost the ENTIRE ride home...all freaking 8 hours. I'm not really someone who cries, but it doesn't matter who I leave E with....I cry...and this drive was bad.
To say The Officer was a blessing at this point would be an understatement....he was beyond that. I was driving home...at least to WY....not to my home because it was still being renovated...so I was driving to my friend's home and they wouldn't be back from Christmas yet...and I didn't want to be there alone. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was without E. So he convinced me to drive an extra 30 minutes to his house...the town AFTER mine. And at first I didn't want to because I didn't want to be in the car another minute...let alone another 30....and I wanted to just shower and go to bed...I didn't want to talk about anything and I knew The Officer wanted to talk...he always wants to talk ;o) But I also knew I didn't want to be alone...I knew that driving the extra time and just being with someone else would be better than driving to my friend's empty house. So I went. Mind you...I keep doing things I don't want to do out here....but so far they've proven to be the best decisions.
So we got to spend a lot of time that week together since I have to follow so many "rules" with E around. And although it was fun...I missed E terribly...I always do when I'm not with him...and The Officer was so great about trying to keep my mind off my emotions.
Everything I thought I wanted in a partner and a step father was right in front of me....everything that I thought I would never find was staring at me....and my insecurities from my past kept creeping up. I was always told, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is"...so what was this guys deal? Why did he seem so perfect? What the heck was he hiding? And there it was folks....my wall....built with years of hurt and heartache. Each brick laid with every selfish action and every broken promise. Boy did The Officer have his work cut out for him...and I was ready to test him. You have to be someone special to walk into a situation like mine. A single mom with a child that's old enough to know what's going on....you have to be in this for something other than a good time. I mean seriously, you want to date someone who can go out whenever and do whatever that's great....that's not me...I'm the at home every night taking care of my child kind of person...that occasionally can call a sitter but rarely does because I don't want to miss out on my time with E. It's not easy....and my ex makes everything so difficult it's disgusting. But I know in my heart that everything I do, I do it for E....and I know that whoever ends up with us crazies has to be someone special go through all this crap with us.
With every day that passes....even when the ex rears his nasty head...I feel blessed to have the two men in my life that make me happier than I've ever been. The Officer and E mean more to me than anything....and going through all this crap is easier with them by my side.

A Love Story...The Turning Point

Okay....where was I....oh yes....afraid of getting hurt.
When E's dad and my relationship ended I knew deep down that it wasn't a good relationship....no love....but it hurt still....and I understand that I will never get the apology that I feel E and I deserve...and coming to terms with that has been difficult. So to say The Officer had to jump through some hoops and prove himself, well, that would be the understatement of the year. This poor guy had to EARN my trust...and it hasn't been easy...and it's still hard to let go of the hurt....but I'm learning to love again...and he's there every step of the way.
So after Thanksgiving there was another banquet....Paws and Pearls. This one I got excited about because Bri got to come to this one...and we NEVER get to do anything without the kids unless its a quick lunch date. So I was excited to get dressed up and spend the evening with my friends and The Officer.
At this point The Officer only had the chance to come over to my house a few times....and only after E went to sleep. If he got there before the munchkin drifted off, he patiently waited in his truck until he could come in. We would watch tv and just talk. It was the cutest thing too...he would start next to me on the couch...and would seriously inch his way over until he was RIGHT next to me...but that's as far as it went...just sitting next to each other. And I'm glad he didn't try anything...I wasn't ready for much more than a friend. And you could tell he wanted to kiss me....but I wouldn't even hug him when he left...any intimacy was too much for me...it meant I would be vulnerable...and I couldn't do it.
So Paws and Pearls....way fun. Again, The Officer was extremely attentive....something I'm NOT used to....opening my door....making sure I had a drink if I needed one....made me feel like part of his group. I have never had a guy that I felt was proud to show me off...and he made me feel just that way. It felt great....so I let loose....had one too many vodka tonics....almost positive that it was vodka with a splash of tonic....and I got flirty. After the banquet everyone was headed to one of the bars. E had a sitter...I had a few drinks in me....eh why not...to the bar! I don't remember what we talked about on the way to the bar....but when we got there and The Officer came to open my door he leaned in...and I kissed him. I remember thinking to myself, "he's never going to kiss you because you'll never let him" so I had to do it myself. He says he was going to kiss me....but didn't want to because I got a little schnockered that night. Ha!
Anyway, after that I let my guard down....at least a little bit. A few weeks later they were starting renovations at our house so E and I literally got kicked out and had to crash with a friend. I was so sad too...our first Christmas solo and we had to take down our tree....our decorations....everything. The Officer knew how sad I was too...and he wanted E's first Christmas in WY to be a good one....so he went shopping. He asked me for a few ideas....so I gave him a couple ideas of what E was into. Thinking he would grab one toy....nope....he got everything....every idea I gave him....he had wrapped and ready. He brought them down the day before we left for CO for Christmas....E was so excited too. He LOVED it...and I loved the fact that he went out of his way to make my child feel special. The Officer doesn't know this...but I cried myself to sleep that night...not because I was sad....but because I knew that the man I had been praying for....the one that would love me and E unconditionally....I knew I had found him. Now I knew exactly why I was drawn to make the move from OK to WY.

A Love Story....Part Two

E has school 3 days a week so I only leave for lunch on the days he’s at daycare all day…so The Officer called and asked if he could come to town and take me to lunch on Tuesday…sure, why not...I'll get a free lunch. So we went to lunch…had a good time….no big deal. I talk a lot...especially when I'm nervous....so I was talking and at one point I got side tracked and then started to go back but couldn't remember what I was saying....so I said, "What was I talking about?" And The Officer just smiled and said, "I don't know, you were smiling" I've heard it before...that I have a pretty smile...I don't believe it...it's crooked and weird...but it was nice to hear it from him.
Then I got back to work and about an hour later I got roses and cupcakes delivered….what?!?!? No one sends me flowers ya crazy! Especially not for no reason at all...this just doesn’t happen…I’m cute…but not that cute…I’m cool….but not that cool. But he makes me feel like I am.
I've been waking up around 3 a.m. for the last few years. Sometimes I can sleep thru the night....but more than likely I'm up for about an hour around that time. I would usually just play a few games on my phone until my eyes felt heavy again I could fall back asleep. It just so happened that The Officer was working the midnight shift...so I had someone to text while I was awake. And he wanted to know EVERYTHING about me...so he just asked question after question. And it was cute....it was a constant game of 20 questions...and when he couldn't think of anything else to ask me we would play the game "ticket or no ticket" while he was working....I hate to admit it....but I've made the kid a softy....he gives out more warnings now because of that game, ha!
So for a couple of weeks we would just text each other and go out to lunch occasionally. He would always talk about meeting E....and you know me...I wasn't about to let that happen...I didn't even want to get MY hopes up about this relationship...no way was I going to let him meet E. I got duped again...
I was talking to him about a few things I was going to do to my house...painting, scraping the ceilings, etc but I kept forgetting to go to the hardware store to pick up some drop cloths. Well, his dad owns a furniture store here in town, so one night he just dropped by because he wanted to drop something off for me. E was busy playing in the play room so I told him he could drop it off really fast but that he couldn't stay and hang out. He said okay. Well of course by the time he got there E was done playing by himself and was out demanding that I pay attention to him...so he got to meet him. He dropped off a ton of plastic for me....which in turn made a great game for E...he would climb on his tv stand and jump into the plastic...thank Heavens I made him quit...can you imagine me having to call his dad because he hurt himself jumping into plastic?!?!?!
Anyway, here was a guy....who was doing things for me and E WITHOUT me asking....when I was used to E's dad doing nothing even when I DID ask...I'm just used to doing things on my own. To me this was so weird...and I honestly didn't know how to even process it...I was so nervous of getting hurt again...and E getting hurt too. To this day his dad doesn't know how much he hurt him because of things he's done...how could I possibly give someone else the chance to hurt him again?
I had to think about things...really think about things...