Taking things for granted...

Just like everyone else, I'm human and I take things for granted. I didn't mean to...it just sort of happened. Three years ago I was terrified of being a single mom, now I'm not so scared.

Saying E's dad and I got along would be a total lie...we fought...bad. I didn't know his family....I didn't even really know him. I was sick to my stomach thinking that I was going to have to share my child with this person who I couldn't even talk to without fighting the urge to scream! I was stressed and totally freaked out.

A wonderful co-worker would calm me down every day and remind me that "babies change everything" and for the most part she was right. The DAY I had E, his dad seemed nicer...and not so butt-headish. He came almost everyday to see E and I made the effort to travel to his home to get to know his family and the people I would eventually have to leave my child with when dad got him.

And they're good people...I totally lucked out. They love my child and they take care of him, and I couldn't have asked for better. They put me at ease and opened their home and hearts to us, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Things were going well...a few months after E got here, his dad and I even talked about marriage. I'm not one to rush into anything...especially marriage...so I asked him to wait and see how the first year went...then we'd talk about it.

Well...three years later and now we're "over". Which hurts because just a few months ago he was wanting to run off to Mexico and get married...he told me to go pick out three styles of rings for him to choose from. He reassured me over and over again that we would get married. He would go as far as to send me texts saying he wished we were married. HE did all of this...and now HE'S not happy? WHUCK?!?!? Oh...and we can be GREAT friends?!???? Are you SERIOUS?

Let's not forget that he decided this about 2 days AFTER we took our first ever family pictures. AWESOME...I'll be sure to put that in the baby book....see E, here's the last time we were a "family"...isn't that nice? :::smiley face wink:::

I'm not bitter...I'm not even sure I was happy either...I know I took what I thought  we had for granted. I miss hugs...and kisses...and love you texts...if I said I didn't, I'd be lying. Who knows when anyone will ever pay attention to me again...I'm not concerned with it, but thinking about being a single mom forever makes me sad...just a little.

I'm tired of the "it's not you, it's me" excuse...I can't just turn off my emotions...he lead me to believe so much in the last 3 years...and now he just wants me to act like "we" never happened? It's apparent that I had more invested in the relationship...and for E's sake, that sucks. I'm disappointed that someone who was adamant about me staying with him...throwing in my face that I'll never have the same last name as E if I left could be so cold and heartless and make me feel like I never mattered.

I know time heals...and I don't doubt that someday I'll look back and think to myself that this was supposed to happen exactly how it happened. Until then, though...I'd appreciate some closure...closure that I know I won't ever get, but a girl can dream.

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