It's Been a Rough Ride

I'm nearing the end of E's six week summer vacay with his dad, and holy buckets I'm ready for this to be over. I've learned a lot....a lot about me, and definitely a lot about the people I used to consider family, and at the end of the day all I can say is thank Heavens I only have to deal with this for a short time during the summer.
It's rough not getting to talk to your child, to not see your child. It's rough not knowing what's going on and not knowing the people that are around them.
I feel that The Officer and I have been extremely respectful and mature about our relationship with the ex and his family. Grandma, Papa, and the ex have all met The Officer. Regardless of what they think of him, they at least know who he is and I think that speaks volumes.
I don't have a problem with my ex and his new wife. I don't even have a problem with his family that cares enough to start rumors about E's mother. What I'm uncomfortable with is the fact that I have to put blind trust into someone that I've never met. The ex decided himself to not tell me he was getting married, that E would have a step mom and that my child would be staying with her alone. Now, I'm smart enough to realize that yes, should my ex get married E would be staying with them. And I'm not by any means trying to appear that I don't approve of his spouse, because I don't care. I simply don't understand why things are kept from me. What would I have done if he had told me about the wedding? Gone down to stop it? Tried my hardest to disrupt it? Absolutely not. I knew about the wedding for a long time. I'm someone that calls her child every other day and I purposely didn't call the Friday of the rehearsal dinner because I knew they'd be busy, or the Saturday of the wedding because I knew they'd be busy, or the Sunday after because I knew they'd be busy with family that had come to the wedding before they left. Am I the only one that thinks that was nice of me? I don't want to toot my own horn or make it known that I'm a saint, but seriously?!?!? Was that not the polite thing to do?
My problem per se is that I feel like it's rude and disrespectful that I wasn't aware of something that directly involved my child. I now have to be the bigger person AGAIN and reach out to someone I don't know because they'll be taking care of my child while his dad is working.
I sent an email to his dad stating that this was uncomfortable for everyone (probably just me) because obviously she's only heard mean and nasty things about me...because I've been told that's what's been said...but I don't know her at all. I've never met her, never interacted with her, and if I wasn't smart enough to put two and two together I would've never known about her. On top of that now I have to contact her to talk to my child. It’s weird! But the response his dad gave was, “he’s being taken care of.” Well golly gee….if that was my concern you can bet your butt I’d be down there in a heartbeat if I didn’t think he was being taken care of! I KNOW he’s being taken care of…it doesn’t change the fact that it’s weird I have to call the “other woman”!! Sheesh!
My heart belongs to my child….and all I’ve ever wanted was to be an involved mother so it’s not easy to just sit back and let someone else take the reins. It’s hard to just be on the sidelines. I’m sure it’ll get easier and I’m sure one day I won’t want to slap the ex upside the head….but until then I’m trying my hardest to just laugh at the confusion and breathe through the chaos. And I’m so so so appreciative of the mutual friends that we do have that update me and send me pictures of my sweet boy. They have helped make the last 5.5 weeks a bit more bearable.


How Do I Turn Off My Mom?

Ya know....it doesn't matter who has my child...I worry and I stress and I freak out when he's not with me. Mainly because I just don't trust that others have his best interest at heart....not like I do. I would do anything for him and I'm not convinced anyone would do the same. So I have a few issues....sue  me!
But it's been 4 weeks since he left for his summer in Oklahoma and I cannot freaking turn the mom in me off! It's driving everyone insane! Besides the fact that the ex and his family make it extremely difficult to talk to E...and FYI Grandma he cries when he has to talk to ya'll too...but what do I do with my free time? I still have to work...and take care of my house and my dog....but what the heck I have so much freaking me time it's ridiculous!
So....during my nice little meltdown the other day with my sister...I'm allowed a few now and then....we talked about what I could do to keep myself occupied while he's gone...and of course all her ideas were bad ideas....do my hair, my make up, clean....whatever May, I'm just gonna sit my behind on the couch and watch the Bachelorette! Ha! Okay not really....but she had a few good ideas. I'll give her that.
So The Officer has been amazing with keeping me distracted and doing things...I've been to the movies and to the lake more this summer than I have in the last few years. I even floated the river....I have the sunburn to prove it too! Ha! I've even come to work early and stayed late....ya, that's how cool I am!
While I've had all this free time...I've done a lot of thinking. I love E more than anything....probably a little too much at times. I love being his mom...I love watching him grow and mature....and I love being able to take care of him. I never asked to be a "part time" mom....his dad wanted that....not me. I want to be the mom that's always there...I don't want to miss my child growing up. But there's nothing I can do...E and I were forced into this situation...and I think we've done a pretty damn good job together too. I've always said I came to terms with being a single mom....just taking care of me and E. I didn't realize I could fall in love with someone just as much. The Officer is incredible. I know I'm a pain in the ass...it's a given once you've been hurt....especially when things are ended so abruptly with no given explanation. I didn't know if it was something superficial or innate that was the demise of my past relationships. Who knows...I don't. But you start to doubt yourself. Am I too fat? Is my laugh that bad? What about the way I fold my laundry? Is it my faith in God? The car I drive? My job? My degree? Something was wrong with me...or so I thought. I haven't felt pretty in a long time...I haven't felt good enough in a long time. How could I change what was "wrong" with me when I didn't even know what it was?!?!?
So when you're faced with decisions you make choices. My choice was to grow in my relationship with God. I went to church every Sunday. I prayed. I prayed for E, myself, my "enemies"...I prayed for everyone. But mainly I prayed for strength....to make the choices that I needed to make, whether they were the tough ones or the easy ones. I chose to grow in my relationship with my family and friends too. I've always been super close with my family and friends....but I wanted more. I needed to talk to them more....know what was going on in their lives more...to see them more...and be more involved.
That saying, "God gives you what you need when you least expect it"....so true. Bri gave me the chance to better mine and E's life by moving us to WY. Leaving my home and my friends, and especially my mama was the hardest decision I've ever made....but at the end of the day, it was the best decision I could have ever made. 
I never thought I deserved the love that I've found. The Officer is a blessing to me and E. I've never felt loved until now. I have a happier life now....I'm happier than I've ever been. E's happier than he's been in a long time. He has a ton of friends and he's getting ready to start school. He's growing up and turning into such a little man. And although I'd rather have E here all the time, I'm happy with how things have turned out for us. I love E and The Officer....E loves me and The Officer...and The Officer loves me and E.