There's a first for everything...and everyone

Holy cow it's finally here!!! E's first day of Kindergarten!!! It's so hard to believe that my baby is old enough to be "in school" all day every day. He's so grown up and independent. It makes my heart happy and sad all at the same time. It feels like just yesterday I was bringing him home from the hospital. So tiny and completely dependent on me. Now he's definitely not tiny and so independent. I can still help him do a few things, but he's pretty insistent that he does things himself. So here's just a few pictures of my adorable child.
This was the night before....his very first Open House! He had so much fun seeing his classroom. He loved that his desk had his name on it! 
The actual first day of school!!
How cute is he?!?!?! And so BIG!!! I can barely pick him up!
I didn't cry....E on the other hand had a little harder time letting mom leave for work...
And this would be from the 3rd day of school...although we're living in Wyo Cowboy Country we're still very much O-State Cowboys at heart!!!! We may be learning to say "Powder River Let Em Buck" we still throw up our pistols and shout "Ride Em Cowboys"!!!


It's Been a Rough Ride

I'm nearing the end of E's six week summer vacay with his dad, and holy buckets I'm ready for this to be over. I've learned a lot....a lot about me, and definitely a lot about the people I used to consider family, and at the end of the day all I can say is thank Heavens I only have to deal with this for a short time during the summer.
It's rough not getting to talk to your child, to not see your child. It's rough not knowing what's going on and not knowing the people that are around them.
I feel that The Officer and I have been extremely respectful and mature about our relationship with the ex and his family. Grandma, Papa, and the ex have all met The Officer. Regardless of what they think of him, they at least know who he is and I think that speaks volumes.
I don't have a problem with my ex and his new wife. I don't even have a problem with his family that cares enough to start rumors about E's mother. What I'm uncomfortable with is the fact that I have to put blind trust into someone that I've never met. The ex decided himself to not tell me he was getting married, that E would have a step mom and that my child would be staying with her alone. Now, I'm smart enough to realize that yes, should my ex get married E would be staying with them. And I'm not by any means trying to appear that I don't approve of his spouse, because I don't care. I simply don't understand why things are kept from me. What would I have done if he had told me about the wedding? Gone down to stop it? Tried my hardest to disrupt it? Absolutely not. I knew about the wedding for a long time. I'm someone that calls her child every other day and I purposely didn't call the Friday of the rehearsal dinner because I knew they'd be busy, or the Saturday of the wedding because I knew they'd be busy, or the Sunday after because I knew they'd be busy with family that had come to the wedding before they left. Am I the only one that thinks that was nice of me? I don't want to toot my own horn or make it known that I'm a saint, but seriously?!?!? Was that not the polite thing to do?
My problem per se is that I feel like it's rude and disrespectful that I wasn't aware of something that directly involved my child. I now have to be the bigger person AGAIN and reach out to someone I don't know because they'll be taking care of my child while his dad is working.
I sent an email to his dad stating that this was uncomfortable for everyone (probably just me) because obviously she's only heard mean and nasty things about me...because I've been told that's what's been said...but I don't know her at all. I've never met her, never interacted with her, and if I wasn't smart enough to put two and two together I would've never known about her. On top of that now I have to contact her to talk to my child. It’s weird! But the response his dad gave was, “he’s being taken care of.” Well golly gee….if that was my concern you can bet your butt I’d be down there in a heartbeat if I didn’t think he was being taken care of! I KNOW he’s being taken care of…it doesn’t change the fact that it’s weird I have to call the “other woman”!! Sheesh!
My heart belongs to my child….and all I’ve ever wanted was to be an involved mother so it’s not easy to just sit back and let someone else take the reins. It’s hard to just be on the sidelines. I’m sure it’ll get easier and I’m sure one day I won’t want to slap the ex upside the head….but until then I’m trying my hardest to just laugh at the confusion and breathe through the chaos. And I’m so so so appreciative of the mutual friends that we do have that update me and send me pictures of my sweet boy. They have helped make the last 5.5 weeks a bit more bearable.


How Do I Turn Off My Mom?

Ya know....it doesn't matter who has my child...I worry and I stress and I freak out when he's not with me. Mainly because I just don't trust that others have his best interest at heart....not like I do. I would do anything for him and I'm not convinced anyone would do the same. So I have a few issues....sue  me!
But it's been 4 weeks since he left for his summer in Oklahoma and I cannot freaking turn the mom in me off! It's driving everyone insane! Besides the fact that the ex and his family make it extremely difficult to talk to E...and FYI Grandma he cries when he has to talk to ya'll too...but what do I do with my free time? I still have to work...and take care of my house and my dog....but what the heck I have so much freaking me time it's ridiculous!
So....during my nice little meltdown the other day with my sister...I'm allowed a few now and then....we talked about what I could do to keep myself occupied while he's gone...and of course all her ideas were bad ideas....do my hair, my make up, clean....whatever May, I'm just gonna sit my behind on the couch and watch the Bachelorette! Ha! Okay not really....but she had a few good ideas. I'll give her that.
So The Officer has been amazing with keeping me distracted and doing things...I've been to the movies and to the lake more this summer than I have in the last few years. I even floated the river....I have the sunburn to prove it too! Ha! I've even come to work early and stayed late....ya, that's how cool I am!
While I've had all this free time...I've done a lot of thinking. I love E more than anything....probably a little too much at times. I love being his mom...I love watching him grow and mature....and I love being able to take care of him. I never asked to be a "part time" mom....his dad wanted that....not me. I want to be the mom that's always there...I don't want to miss my child growing up. But there's nothing I can do...E and I were forced into this situation...and I think we've done a pretty damn good job together too. I've always said I came to terms with being a single mom....just taking care of me and E. I didn't realize I could fall in love with someone just as much. The Officer is incredible. I know I'm a pain in the ass...it's a given once you've been hurt....especially when things are ended so abruptly with no given explanation. I didn't know if it was something superficial or innate that was the demise of my past relationships. Who knows...I don't. But you start to doubt yourself. Am I too fat? Is my laugh that bad? What about the way I fold my laundry? Is it my faith in God? The car I drive? My job? My degree? Something was wrong with me...or so I thought. I haven't felt pretty in a long time...I haven't felt good enough in a long time. How could I change what was "wrong" with me when I didn't even know what it was?!?!?
So when you're faced with decisions you make choices. My choice was to grow in my relationship with God. I went to church every Sunday. I prayed. I prayed for E, myself, my "enemies"...I prayed for everyone. But mainly I prayed for strength....to make the choices that I needed to make, whether they were the tough ones or the easy ones. I chose to grow in my relationship with my family and friends too. I've always been super close with my family and friends....but I wanted more. I needed to talk to them more....know what was going on in their lives more...to see them more...and be more involved.
That saying, "God gives you what you need when you least expect it"....so true. Bri gave me the chance to better mine and E's life by moving us to WY. Leaving my home and my friends, and especially my mama was the hardest decision I've ever made....but at the end of the day, it was the best decision I could have ever made. 
I never thought I deserved the love that I've found. The Officer is a blessing to me and E. I've never felt loved until now. I have a happier life now....I'm happier than I've ever been. E's happier than he's been in a long time. He has a ton of friends and he's getting ready to start school. He's growing up and turning into such a little man. And although I'd rather have E here all the time, I'm happy with how things have turned out for us. I love E and The Officer....E loves me and The Officer...and The Officer loves me and E.


A Love Story...Backing It Up

Okay...I'm getting ahead of myself. I KNEW there was a reason I was supposed to come to WY. In my naivety I had convinced myself it was for a fresh start at a better life for me and E....and for that I was right. I just didn't realize anyone else would be added to the equation. At least not like this.
So....after Christmas E was headed to visit his dad and I was headed home...alone. And at this point my sister had moved so I wasn't going back to her house to rest and play with nephews and then drive 4 hours...I was literally headed home...so I cried almost the ENTIRE ride home...all freaking 8 hours. I'm not really someone who cries, but it doesn't matter who I leave E with....I cry...and this drive was bad.
To say The Officer was a blessing at this point would be an understatement....he was beyond that. I was driving home...at least to WY....not to my home because it was still being renovated...so I was driving to my friend's home and they wouldn't be back from Christmas yet...and I didn't want to be there alone. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was without E. So he convinced me to drive an extra 30 minutes to his house...the town AFTER mine. And at first I didn't want to because I didn't want to be in the car another minute...let alone another 30....and I wanted to just shower and go to bed...I didn't want to talk about anything and I knew The Officer wanted to talk...he always wants to talk ;o) But I also knew I didn't want to be alone...I knew that driving the extra time and just being with someone else would be better than driving to my friend's empty house. So I went. Mind you...I keep doing things I don't want to do out here....but so far they've proven to be the best decisions.
So we got to spend a lot of time that week together since I have to follow so many "rules" with E around. And although it was fun...I missed E terribly...I always do when I'm not with him...and The Officer was so great about trying to keep my mind off my emotions.
Everything I thought I wanted in a partner and a step father was right in front of me....everything that I thought I would never find was staring at me....and my insecurities from my past kept creeping up. I was always told, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is"...so what was this guys deal? Why did he seem so perfect? What the heck was he hiding? And there it was folks....my wall....built with years of hurt and heartache. Each brick laid with every selfish action and every broken promise. Boy did The Officer have his work cut out for him...and I was ready to test him. You have to be someone special to walk into a situation like mine. A single mom with a child that's old enough to know what's going on....you have to be in this for something other than a good time. I mean seriously, you want to date someone who can go out whenever and do whatever that's great....that's not me...I'm the at home every night taking care of my child kind of person...that occasionally can call a sitter but rarely does because I don't want to miss out on my time with E. It's not easy....and my ex makes everything so difficult it's disgusting. But I know in my heart that everything I do, I do it for E....and I know that whoever ends up with us crazies has to be someone special go through all this crap with us.
With every day that passes....even when the ex rears his nasty head...I feel blessed to have the two men in my life that make me happier than I've ever been. The Officer and E mean more to me than anything....and going through all this crap is easier with them by my side.


A Love Story...The Turning Point

Okay....where was I....oh yes....afraid of getting hurt.
When E's dad and my relationship ended I knew deep down that it wasn't a good relationship....no love....but it hurt still....and I understand that I will never get the apology that I feel E and I deserve...and coming to terms with that has been difficult. So to say The Officer had to jump through some hoops and prove himself, well, that would be the understatement of the year. This poor guy had to EARN my trust...and it hasn't been easy...and it's still hard to let go of the hurt....but I'm learning to love again...and he's there every step of the way.
So after Thanksgiving there was another banquet....Paws and Pearls. This one I got excited about because Bri got to come to this one...and we NEVER get to do anything without the kids unless its a quick lunch date. So I was excited to get dressed up and spend the evening with my friends and The Officer.
At this point The Officer only had the chance to come over to my house a few times....and only after E went to sleep. If he got there before the munchkin drifted off, he patiently waited in his truck until he could come in. We would watch tv and just talk. It was the cutest thing too...he would start next to me on the couch...and would seriously inch his way over until he was RIGHT next to me...but that's as far as it went...just sitting next to each other. And I'm glad he didn't try anything...I wasn't ready for much more than a friend. And you could tell he wanted to kiss me....but I wouldn't even hug him when he left...any intimacy was too much for me...it meant I would be vulnerable...and I couldn't do it.
So Paws and Pearls....way fun. Again, The Officer was extremely attentive....something I'm NOT used to....opening my door....making sure I had a drink if I needed one....made me feel like part of his group. I have never had a guy that I felt was proud to show me off...and he made me feel just that way. It felt great....so I let loose....had one too many vodka tonics....almost positive that it was vodka with a splash of tonic....and I got flirty. After the banquet everyone was headed to one of the bars. E had a sitter...I had a few drinks in me....eh why not...to the bar! I don't remember what we talked about on the way to the bar....but when we got there and The Officer came to open my door he leaned in...and I kissed him. I remember thinking to myself, "he's never going to kiss you because you'll never let him" so I had to do it myself. He says he was going to kiss me....but didn't want to because I got a little schnockered that night. Ha!
Anyway, after that I let my guard down....at least a little bit. A few weeks later they were starting renovations at our house so E and I literally got kicked out and had to crash with a friend. I was so sad too...our first Christmas solo and we had to take down our tree....our decorations....everything. The Officer knew how sad I was too...and he wanted E's first Christmas in WY to be a good one....so he went shopping. He asked me for a few ideas....so I gave him a couple ideas of what E was into. Thinking he would grab one toy....nope....he got everything....every idea I gave him....he had wrapped and ready. He brought them down the day before we left for CO for Christmas....E was so excited too. He LOVED it...and I loved the fact that he went out of his way to make my child feel special. The Officer doesn't know this...but I cried myself to sleep that night...not because I was sad....but because I knew that the man I had been praying for....the one that would love me and E unconditionally....I knew I had found him. Now I knew exactly why I was drawn to make the move from OK to WY.


A Love Story....Part Two

E has school 3 days a week so I only leave for lunch on the days he’s at daycare all day…so The Officer called and asked if he could come to town and take me to lunch on Tuesday…sure, why not...I'll get a free lunch. So we went to lunch…had a good time….no big deal. I talk a lot...especially when I'm nervous....so I was talking and at one point I got side tracked and then started to go back but couldn't remember what I was saying....so I said, "What was I talking about?" And The Officer just smiled and said, "I don't know, you were smiling" I've heard it before...that I have a pretty smile...I don't believe it...it's crooked and weird...but it was nice to hear it from him.
Then I got back to work and about an hour later I got roses and cupcakes delivered….what?!?!? No one sends me flowers ya crazy! Especially not for no reason at all...this just doesn’t happen…I’m cute…but not that cute…I’m cool….but not that cool. But he makes me feel like I am.
I've been waking up around 3 a.m. for the last few years. Sometimes I can sleep thru the night....but more than likely I'm up for about an hour around that time. I would usually just play a few games on my phone until my eyes felt heavy again I could fall back asleep. It just so happened that The Officer was working the midnight shift...so I had someone to text while I was awake. And he wanted to know EVERYTHING about me...so he just asked question after question. And it was cute....it was a constant game of 20 questions...and when he couldn't think of anything else to ask me we would play the game "ticket or no ticket" while he was working....I hate to admit it....but I've made the kid a softy....he gives out more warnings now because of that game, ha!
So for a couple of weeks we would just text each other and go out to lunch occasionally. He would always talk about meeting E....and you know me...I wasn't about to let that happen...I didn't even want to get MY hopes up about this relationship...no way was I going to let him meet E. I got duped again...
I was talking to him about a few things I was going to do to my house...painting, scraping the ceilings, etc but I kept forgetting to go to the hardware store to pick up some drop cloths. Well, his dad owns a furniture store here in town, so one night he just dropped by because he wanted to drop something off for me. E was busy playing in the play room so I told him he could drop it off really fast but that he couldn't stay and hang out. He said okay. Well of course by the time he got there E was done playing by himself and was out demanding that I pay attention to him...so he got to meet him. He dropped off a ton of plastic for me....which in turn made a great game for E...he would climb on his tv stand and jump into the plastic...thank Heavens I made him quit...can you imagine me having to call his dad because he hurt himself jumping into plastic?!?!?!
Anyway, here was a guy....who was doing things for me and E WITHOUT me asking....when I was used to E's dad doing nothing even when I DID ask...I'm just used to doing things on my own. To me this was so weird...and I honestly didn't know how to even process it...I was so nervous of getting hurt again...and E getting hurt too. To this day his dad doesn't know how much he hurt him because of things he's done...how could I possibly give someone else the chance to hurt him again?
I had to think about things...really think about things...


A Love Story...

Admitting faults isn't my strong suit...I'll admit I'm not perfect and I'm at fault...but beyond that you won’t get much….and I know exactly why that is…and I verbalized it for the first time ever just last night…and you can thank The Officer for that…he’s amazing…and this is why…
When I moved I didn’t plan on dating…anyone. I had come to terms with my life and made the decision that E was my life…and I would devote every part of my being to just being his mom….being the best mom and dad that any single mom could be. I made that decision before I even moved…and I think I’ve done a great job….E is a happy and healthy little guy…and I don’t want to pat myself on the back too much…but I think I had a lot to do with that…just me. So when I moved and people wanted to set me up I just kind of blew it off. PLUS I was “talking” to B…so I paid no attention to anyone else besides E. So when things tapered off with B I just assumed I could go back to being just mom....nope, the match-makers shifted into full gear and I got set up…on a blind date….at a Fish and Wildlife Banquet…really?!?!?! I am by no means a “city girl”…but I’m not exactly the outdoorsy type either! So I didn’t want to go…and I had no intentions of going. I came up with every excuse in the book too….but The Realtor wasn’t about to let me out of it…and when she told me how much he had spent on the tickets I felt guilty and decided to go…on a side note I found out he spends the money on the tickets every year and just never goes…yup, I was duped.
Anyway, I went and had a good time. It was a group date….The Realtor and The Investigator came, as well as The Sheriff and The Ranger. And thank Heaven’s they did…The Officer barely spoke to me! Ha! But it was a good time….he was very attentive and courteous and made me feel like I belonged there…and it helped that he was cute ;-)
E was with a sitter…and I hate getting him a sitter…I never know if he’s going to be okay with anyone other than me…and SURPRISE he’s completely fine without me. But I had the sitter there at 5 so we all could meet up and head to the banquet. I was told it wouldn’t be long either….then as 9 is rolling around I started to get nervous and I really wanted to get home to E….so The Officer offered to drive me to my car so I could go home and make sure E got to bed...that scored points.
So, we get to my car and he asks for my number…and although my initial thought was “heck no…I don’t date” I figured, “Eh what’s the harm…he’ll give up eventually”…so I gave it to him. I didn’t expect to hear from him for at least a couple days….boy was I wrong…

To be continued…



Okay....to say I love my mother would be an understatement...that woman is the MOST amazing woman I know. Not only did she raise 4 kids by herself after my dad passed away, she has had to live with RA since she was 11...she has literally suffered her entire life with physical pain, and emotional pain, and through it all she stayed happy, positive and loving, true to herself, and faithful in her beliefs. If any of that was untrue she was good at hiding it. I have seen her deal with more than I would ever want anyone else to deal with...whether I liked them or not. I am completely humbled and in awe of that woman....and I miss her everyday that I'm away from her. The week before Christmas my friend J and I got together to make Christmas treats...and I kept saying, "This makes me miss home" because it did...my mom would always make our teachers little boxes of yummy candies for their Christmas gifts...and just smelling those smells took me back. And when I left I cried the entire way home...45 minutes. So needless to say I was READY to see my mom in Colorado for the holidays....E and I were BOTH so excited to see our Bubba. I even talked her into riding with me to meet E's dad halfway the day after Christmas...which is never a fun experience for anyone because I'm a complete wreck after leaving him....doesn't matter who I leave him with...complete wreck.
And of course, we listened to klove on the radio. A question was asked to the listeners about a popular song...Forgiveness by Matthew West..."What do you do if you've asked someone for forgiveness but they choose not to forgive you?" And we listened to those that called in and my mom asked me how I felt about that question and that song. I feel very strongly that if you ask for forgiveness and the other party chooses not to forgive you, you pray for them and you move on...end of story. BUT, my mother being the trickster that she is, was trying to get at that I myself don't forgive...especially myself. E's dad will never ask for forgiveness and that's fine...he'll never admit that anything he did or does, is or was wrong....that's not him...he's one of those people that is only concerned with himself...so if it doesn't bother him, it doesn't bother him end of story...and I've accepted that and moved on. So why can't I forgive myself?


Recap of 2012

Holy buckets!! 2011 knocked E and I on our butts....and 2012 was a rebuilding year...and boy was it! It was a year of firsts for us and we made it amazing...and we plan on making 2013 just as amazing and memorable. I couldn't have done it without my family and friends....but more importantly without E....he's my rock in everything that keeps my head level and my focus clear. Here's just a few highlights from 2012...with 2013 promising to have more...
  • I turned 31 and E turned 4...I am a dinosaur...
  • I attended Mac World in San Francisco...and visited Alcatraz and Fisherman's Wharf...way cool
  • Got super close with 4 of my already super close friends....they are absolutely amazing and I miss them DAILY
  • Moved E and I 850 miles away from the home we've only known
  • Bought a new car
  • E decided he was potty trained
  • Spent most of the summer with my sister and nephews...E loves being so close to them
  • Went to CNS and watched Danny race
  • Worked cattle for the first time....which also meant stepping in more cow poop than I've ever seen
  • E played on his first soccer team
  • Flew to Arizona for the first time
  • Slept in a tent....true story
  • Spent the entire month of August away from my baby....longest month of my life!
  • Cried more happy tears and sad tears than ever before
  • E started preschool...and he loves it
  • Got E a puppy
  • Went to our first hockey game
  • Got set up on a blind date for a Fish and Wildlife banquet (you read that right)...and the guy was absolutely THE nicest guy I've ever met
  • Got thrown into Accounts Payable....still learning...but so far I like it
  • Bought my very first house!!!
Nothing to write home about...and I'm sure I'm leaving a ton out....but truth be told it's been a crazy and exciting year. E and I have learned a lot about each other...learned our weaknesses and our strengths...and our love for each other has grown immensely. Without E I wouldn't have made it...and that's a fact. Of course, nowadays everything seems to be related to songs...and this reminds me what's important when I hear it...because that little guy is the reason for everything.

Sometimes it feels like, I’m gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.
This life would kill me If I didn’t have you
I couldn’t live without you baby
I wouldn’t want to
If you didn’t love me so much
I’d never make it through
This life would kill me If I didn’t have you