Delusional...I know

So I've slacked...I know...you're completely disappointed in me...I'll make it up to you...but for now, just believe me that it's been a crazy few weeks around here...and I'm STILL trying to get back to a routine!

Okay...don't judge...but I've been a ROLLERCOASTER of an emotional ball today...and it started around 2:30 this morning...I just woke up...and couldn't stop crying...no idea why...just couldn't stop. And I try...I do...I try so hard not to cry...because let's be honest...it's not attractive...no one likes the red puffy eyes...no one likes to try and console someone who just can't stop crying...it's not fun for anyone...but I couldn't help it...the tears just kept coming!

And when I get to that point where I can't just STOP the waterworks I pray...I pray because I don't expect my Heavenly Father to just make me happy, or give me what I so selfishly ask for...I just pray because I don't want to hurt anymore...end of story...I know I'm a strong person, I know that "time heals", I'm an extremely rational and realistic person...but I hurt sometimes...and it sucks...and I'm just ready for something good to happen to me.

I had to give E to his dad this morning...and today of all days was the day I needed him here the most...but I can't be selfish and keep him from his time with his dad...and that made it double suck today.  I had a friend the other day tell me that she honestly believes there is not one vindictive bone in my body...and there's not...I know that...I'm a schmuck who lets people treat her like poo and STILL end up apologizing...but I WISH there was a really mean bone somewhere in me...I WISH I could just be mean...to be able to stand up for myself...and actually STICK to it. I always tell everyone, if you don't like the way someone is treating you it's okay to tell them 'hey, this isn't nice and I don't like it'...now if that doesn't show I'm a schmuck I don't know what will...because I can't do that myself! And it makes me so mad!

I love my life...I do...I have an amazing son...an amazing family....amazing friends...there is no reason I should ever feel like my life isn't amazing...but today...OH MY GAH today...it just SUCKED!

I have another friend, who bless his heart...well no, maybe not bless his heart...because I'm not sure if I can believe much of what he says anymore...but he states that he can't be alone...so he fills the void with whatever is available...and that makes me sad...but I can't say that I'm much different...I'm different, but not much. I'm never alone...always surrounded with friends or family...which is never a bad thing...if I didn't have the support system that I have I would be an emotionally exhausted and miserable person...and I know that. BUT I do get lonely...every Tuesday night...when I come home without my child. That's when things start to get lonely and my emotions tend to make themselves known.

I don't sleep much on Tuesday nights...my mind wanders...it's too quiet in the house...even when I leave the TV on or the dog is snoring...my mind wanders and my heart hurts. I miss my child and the comfort I get from him...not my ex...but my constant companion. So, 125 days ago...and I know it's 125 bc my twitter told me...but this guy started following my tweets...no clue how or why...and he says I started following him...but I don't add a lot of people on my twitter...because I’m not very good at tweeting...but anyway, about 9 days ago I learned something new about the ex (because I’m learning that a lot of our relationship, or lack thereof, was a lie) and so I tweeted something about not liking someone more than ever...and he tweeted back asking what was going on...nbd...he's LDS...lives in UT...only 24...so he's harmless...no worries...but I messaged back...and those of you who know me...know that I would never in a million years ever do that...so this was weird.

And he's so nice...and at 24 he checks up on me...instead of me being the mother! And although that freaks me out...just a little bit...maybe it's what I need right now...no I'm not "falling" for this guy...get real...he's 24 and lives in UT...but it's nice to talk to someone who doesn't know me, but asks about me...even if he's not interested in me...he's not making me feel like a schmuck and that's nice. It gives me hope that maybe, just maybe I'll find the guy that I need in my life. I'm not looking for perfect...I'm just looking for perfect for me...and E.

Knowing that he's LDS and an RM has made me think about my faith. I still listen to KLove all the time, because I still can't listen to any other music without feeling like crap...and today I heard a song that made sense to me...for the last 5 months I've felt lonely and heartbroken at least once a week on the day E's with his dad...and you know I pray...because I just want to be comforted...not by anything superficial that will only temporarily fill the void...because we all know I'm not ready to date anyone...oy vey...and I can't even tell you what the song is called because I didn't catch it the first time when they were talking about it...and I've searched KLove's website trying to find it...with no luck...but I heard it on the way home from the movies tonight...and the line that spoke to me...that mind you I can't remember exactly how it went...but it was something similar to "when you're broken hearted or hurting, it's then that I'm near you"...and that means so much to me...because all those times I've cried to not hurt anymore...because I know my heart is broken...all those times I felt like my Heavenly Father was trying to teach me to be stronger was really him trying to get me to let go and just be comforted by Him.

I have a lot of responsibility...and I have to be strong for so many people...and for so many reasons...but my tweeter friend asked me what I was looking for in a guy...and the first thing that came to my mind was, I want to find someone that finally makes me feel like I can be vulnerable...that I don't always have to be the strong one...that doesn't show emotion...that pushes my feelings aside because someone else's are more important...and I don't want to lose myself completely or come across like I'm no longer concerned with my family or friends...I love being someone they can depend on and come to...but I'm learning (at least today) that I deserve to just let everything out and be comforted. And of course I cried...lol, no surprise today...but it finally felt good to cry....because even though I look at me crying as a weakness I could honestly feel the comfort I've been needing for so long...and it felt so good...it wasn't a hug from someone special...or a kiss on the cheek...but it was a comfort that I haven't felt lately.

I know my heart still hurts...and I know that one day I'll find the one I'm supposed to be with...the one who finally lets me be me...and I know that because I feel my Heavenly Father's love...and I'm allowing myself to feel it…and I'm going to be a better person, a better mom, better daughter, sister, and friend because of that love.