How Do I Turn Off My Mom?

Ya know....it doesn't matter who has my child...I worry and I stress and I freak out when he's not with me. Mainly because I just don't trust that others have his best interest at heart....not like I do. I would do anything for him and I'm not convinced anyone would do the same. So I have a few issues....sue  me!
But it's been 4 weeks since he left for his summer in Oklahoma and I cannot freaking turn the mom in me off! It's driving everyone insane! Besides the fact that the ex and his family make it extremely difficult to talk to E...and FYI Grandma he cries when he has to talk to ya'll too...but what do I do with my free time? I still have to work...and take care of my house and my dog....but what the heck I have so much freaking me time it's ridiculous!
So....during my nice little meltdown the other day with my sister...I'm allowed a few now and then....we talked about what I could do to keep myself occupied while he's gone...and of course all her ideas were bad ideas....do my hair, my make up, clean....whatever May, I'm just gonna sit my behind on the couch and watch the Bachelorette! Ha! Okay not really....but she had a few good ideas. I'll give her that.
So The Officer has been amazing with keeping me distracted and doing things...I've been to the movies and to the lake more this summer than I have in the last few years. I even floated the river....I have the sunburn to prove it too! Ha! I've even come to work early and stayed late....ya, that's how cool I am!
While I've had all this free time...I've done a lot of thinking. I love E more than anything....probably a little too much at times. I love being his mom...I love watching him grow and mature....and I love being able to take care of him. I never asked to be a "part time" mom....his dad wanted that....not me. I want to be the mom that's always there...I don't want to miss my child growing up. But there's nothing I can do...E and I were forced into this situation...and I think we've done a pretty damn good job together too. I've always said I came to terms with being a single mom....just taking care of me and E. I didn't realize I could fall in love with someone just as much. The Officer is incredible. I know I'm a pain in the ass...it's a given once you've been hurt....especially when things are ended so abruptly with no given explanation. I didn't know if it was something superficial or innate that was the demise of my past relationships. Who knows...I don't. But you start to doubt yourself. Am I too fat? Is my laugh that bad? What about the way I fold my laundry? Is it my faith in God? The car I drive? My job? My degree? Something was wrong with me...or so I thought. I haven't felt pretty in a long time...I haven't felt good enough in a long time. How could I change what was "wrong" with me when I didn't even know what it was?!?!?
So when you're faced with decisions you make choices. My choice was to grow in my relationship with God. I went to church every Sunday. I prayed. I prayed for E, myself, my "enemies"...I prayed for everyone. But mainly I prayed for strength....to make the choices that I needed to make, whether they were the tough ones or the easy ones. I chose to grow in my relationship with my family and friends too. I've always been super close with my family and friends....but I wanted more. I needed to talk to them more....know what was going on in their lives more...to see them more...and be more involved.
That saying, "God gives you what you need when you least expect it"....so true. Bri gave me the chance to better mine and E's life by moving us to WY. Leaving my home and my friends, and especially my mama was the hardest decision I've ever made....but at the end of the day, it was the best decision I could have ever made. 
I never thought I deserved the love that I've found. The Officer is a blessing to me and E. I've never felt loved until now. I have a happier life now....I'm happier than I've ever been. E's happier than he's been in a long time. He has a ton of friends and he's getting ready to start school. He's growing up and turning into such a little man. And although I'd rather have E here all the time, I'm happy with how things have turned out for us. I love E and The Officer....E loves me and The Officer...and The Officer loves me and E.

1 comment :

  1. And I love y'all too! You're a mom, it doesn't "turn off" even when they're grown. Just ask your mama! Hang in there! It won't be long now!