Healing your heart

Okay...so I didn't exactly pay much attention in church today...I know...naughty naughty...BUT I have a slightly good excuse...

Today the preacher was talking about healing your heart...and the only person who can do that is...you guessed it, Jesus. He talked about how going to church was good, studying the scriptures, prayer, and a whole list of other things (told you..I quit listening)...and they help...but only Jesus can heal your heart.

Okay...I partly stopped listening because I kept laughing (in my head) because of the conversation that Jersey and I had a couple months ago...friends will remember this...the one where he told me God answered my prayers with him (no I do not pray for men)...because he's going to heal my heart and we're going to live happily ever after....wah wah wah...yes...I want my fairytale...but not in the GTL form...sorry Jersey...we're just friends...k thx bye.

Anywhoooo....I also had a hard time listening because I was thinking of all the ways I thought I was healing my own heart...and how I've always felt something was missing. Let's see if I can make sense...

The ex deals with our demise differently...he went out to the bars and jumped into a relationship with another girl...I don't know what goes through his head..I know what I see and I think he handled everything poorly....but at the same time...I'm not him...obviously.

I've taken, and am still taking, the time to figure out what's best for E...and me...and just trying to get my schmidt together. My friends will tell you I'm doing a great job...and most days I feel like I am...but just like any process that involves emotions some days are better than others. So...I go to church...I haven't sworn off men...but I'm not looking to get hitched any day soon...I'm not even sure dating is an option :::scary:::...I've surrounded myself with wonderful friends, for both E and me...I've prayed...and prayed...and prayed....I've done things for me that I haven't done in a LOOOOOOONG time :::pretty nails:::: and I've just tried to figure out what I really want...what's best for me and E.

But something is missing...and I was compelled to go talk to the preacher after church..but I couldn't bring myself to do it...but let's be honest, I only get to see K's family every so often so even heading to Taco Bell compelled me more...

I'm not sure how long this healing process will take...because I don't feel like I'm hanging on to a relationship that isn't there...I don't feel like I'm in a bad place...but I don't know when I'll find peace. Even when I start to think that whatever is happening "isn't right"...that whatever the ex is doing is stupid...or whatever random thought that enters my head...because I know deep down what's right...E deserves two parents that adore him, regardless if they're together or not.

I'm the one who's worked with an attorney on custody and visitation...and all that other super fun stuff...so I proposed a new visitation schedule that I think will work best for everyone...of course I can't say what I want to out loud...or even on facebook or twitter or here...so I text my friend G...who always knows exactly what to say...so after I made her laugh she just told me to "keep on keeping on"...and that's what I plan on doing.

There's light at the end of my tunnel...and my heart is getting stronger every day...and it's only a matter of time that whatever is meant to happen will happen...as crappy as my life seems some days...it's completely perfect to me...heartbreak and all :o)