Forgiveness

Okay....to say I love my mother would be an understatement...that woman is the MOST amazing woman I know. Not only did she raise 4 kids by herself after my dad passed away, she has had to live with RA since she was 11...she has literally suffered her entire life with physical pain, and emotional pain, and through it all she stayed happy, positive and loving, true to herself, and faithful in her beliefs. If any of that was untrue she was good at hiding it. I have seen her deal with more than I would ever want anyone else to deal with...whether I liked them or not. I am completely humbled and in awe of that woman....and I miss her everyday that I'm away from her. The week before Christmas my friend J and I got together to make Christmas treats...and I kept saying, "This makes me miss home" because it did...my mom would always make our teachers little boxes of yummy candies for their Christmas gifts...and just smelling those smells took me back. And when I left I cried the entire way home...45 minutes. So needless to say I was READY to see my mom in Colorado for the holidays....E and I were BOTH so excited to see our Bubba. I even talked her into riding with me to meet E's dad halfway the day after Christmas...which is never a fun experience for anyone because I'm a complete wreck after leaving him....doesn't matter who I leave him with...complete wreck.
And of course, we listened to klove on the radio. A question was asked to the listeners about a popular song...Forgiveness by Matthew West..."What do you do if you've asked someone for forgiveness but they choose not to forgive you?" And we listened to those that called in and my mom asked me how I felt about that question and that song. I feel very strongly that if you ask for forgiveness and the other party chooses not to forgive you, you pray for them and you move on...end of story. BUT, my mother being the trickster that she is, was trying to get at that I myself don't forgive...especially myself. E's dad will never ask for forgiveness and that's fine...he'll never admit that anything he did or does, is or was wrong....that's not him...he's one of those people that is only concerned with himself...so if it doesn't bother him, it doesn't bother him end of story...and I've accepted that and moved on. So why can't I forgive myself?

Recap of 2012

Holy buckets!! 2011 knocked E and I on our butts....and 2012 was a rebuilding year...and boy was it! It was a year of firsts for us and we made it amazing...and we plan on making 2013 just as amazing and memorable. I couldn't have done it without my family and friends....but more importantly without E....he's my rock in everything that keeps my head level and my focus clear. Here's just a few highlights from 2012...with 2013 promising to have more...

• I turned 31 and E turned 4...I am a dinosaur...
• I attended Mac World in San Francisco...and visited Alcatraz and Fisherman's Wharf...way cool
• Got super close with 4 of my already super close friends....they are absolutely amazing and I miss them DAILY
• Moved E and I 850 miles away from the home we've only known
• Bought a new car
• E decided he was potty trained
• Spent most of the summer with my sister and nephews...E loves being so close to them
• Went to CNS and watched Danny race
• Worked cattle for the first time....which also meant stepping in more cow poop than I've ever seen
• E played on his first soccer team
• Flew to Arizona for the first time
• Slept in a tent....true story
• Spent the entire month of August away from my baby....longest month of my life!
• Cried more happy tears and sad tears than ever before
• E started preschool...and he loves it
• Got E a puppy
• Went to our first hockey game
• Got set up on a blind date for a Fish and Wildlife banquet (you read that right)...and the guy was absolutely THE nicest guy I've ever met
• Got thrown into Accounts Payable....still learning...but so far I like it
• Bought my very first house!!!

Nothing to write home about...and I'm sure I'm leaving a ton out....but truth be told it's been a crazy and exciting year. E and I have learned a lot about each other...learned our weaknesses and our strengths...and our love for each other has grown immensely. Without E I wouldn't have made it...and that's a fact. Of course, nowadays everything seems to be related to songs...and this reminds me what's important when I hear it...because that little guy is the reason for everything.

Sometimes it feels like, I’m gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.
This life would kill me If I didn’t have you
I couldn’t live without you baby
I wouldn’t want to
If you didn’t love me so much
I’d never make it through
This life would kill me If I didn’t have you

Story of my life

No big secret that I'm independent....or completely content with doing things on my own...so this horoscope came as a bit of a gut punch....because I've been trying sooo hard to not be so closed off...I've pushed a lot of wonderful people away because I've always just assumed if I don't let them get too close I won't get hurt.

 

Idk...I'll figure it out....eventually....

 

"You might be keeping yourself somewhat detached from the people who care about you most right now -- are you sure you're not pushing them away? Right now it's important that you connect with others, not disconnect. Look into this today. Ask one or two friends if they feel you're closed off or aloof. Pick their brain for ideas on how you can open yourself up a bit more. It's about time that you trusted in others enough to show them who you really are."

I love LW and Miss Ruby...yes I do

It's uncanny that these two women always know when to send me an encouraging text or email...just when I think I'm about to give up...I love them dearly and I'm so grateful that I have people that look out for me. Blessed beyond words.

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Sad But True

It's sometimes difficult for you to accept change -- especially when it involves saying goodbye to something (or someone) who has brought joy to your life. But things change, and people move in new directions -- and you need to accept that. Besides, the transitions that are happening in your life right now are going to have very positive long-term results. While they won't all be easy to go through, they'll do wonders for your self-confidence.

I'm a Twighlight fan...this can't be helped

I blame one person and one person only....MicB. She did this....I wasn't interested in reading the books or watching the movies until her...so it's her fault entirely. But I love her for it. The actors aren't great....that's a given...but it's the feeling you get from the storyline. You don't go to the movies to watch Channing Tatum act either...you just go to stare :::twitterpated googly eyes:::
Back to reality....Twighlight....so I got into it just a few months ago....just in time to be all excited about the final film coming this November.....YAY! So today driving to lunch a song came on the radio and I loved it...turns out to be a song from the movie...go freakin figure. But I had to share...because I think it's a loverly song...and you will love it too...and let's be honest, who doesn't love cheesy, romance songs that make you think of a glittery vampire?

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I Thought I Was Stronger

I thought I was stronger than I feel right now....so many emotions...and I don't know whether to cry...or just laugh hysterically. I miss so much...so many people...so many places....so many things. I am beyond blessed....an amazing son....a strong and loving family....encouraging and supportive friends...so whuck is going on? I have no idea....well I take that back...I have an idea...and it sucks....because I hate feeling like this.

I miss Stillwater:

I miss my mom more than anything. I miss knowing where I'm going without thinking about it. I miss having 2 Wal-Marts. I miss Boomer Lake. I miss game-day weekends. I miss McAlister's with K...I miss K!!! I miss card night with the girls....G, M, and R. I miss Orange Friday's. I miss Ross. I miss the Foundation...especially EB, AD, LW, JL, CL, SK, KW, CR, and LW. I miss my ward. I miss Louie's. I miss Calf Fry and College Days. I miss Meanie cat. I miss my neighborhood....and my neighbors! I miss RMCF.

I miss Abby's blue lights. I miss talking to G....we're too far! I miss the university. I miss Walk MS. I miss Bedlam! I miss wrestling. I miss the Renaissance. I miss the Valero. I miss the rain....the thunderstorms. I miss my house....my room...my CLOSET! I miss the Tunnel Wash. I miss Daylight Donuts...I know E misses them too! I miss the campus bells!

 I miss Main St...and Perkins....and McElroy. I miss the Sea of Orange. I miss The Strip. I miss Bad Brad's BBQ...and all the Joe's. I miss Sonic happy hour! I MISS MY MOM!!!!!!

I miss so much about my hometown...every little thing that I didn't even realize existed until now. I miss my home...I miss my friends...I miss my life.

I know moving was the best thing for me and E....and everyone else that was involved...and I don't regret it at all. So many wonderful things have happened because of this move....but I still miss Stillwater....and I know I'll always miss it. I'm grateful, more than anything, to have a place to call home...and I'm grateful it's Stillwater.