A Love Story...The Turning Point

Okay....where was I....oh yes....afraid of getting hurt.
When E's dad and my relationship ended I knew deep down that it wasn't a good relationship....no love....but it hurt still....and I understand that I will never get the apology that I feel E and I deserve...and coming to terms with that has been difficult. So to say The Officer had to jump through some hoops and prove himself, well, that would be the understatement of the year. This poor guy had to EARN my trust...and it hasn't been easy...and it's still hard to let go of the hurt....but I'm learning to love again...and he's there every step of the way.
So after Thanksgiving there was another banquet....Paws and Pearls. This one I got excited about because Bri got to come to this one...and we NEVER get to do anything without the kids unless its a quick lunch date. So I was excited to get dressed up and spend the evening with my friends and The Officer.
At this point The Officer only had the chance to come over to my house a few times....and only after E went to sleep. If he got there before the munchkin drifted off, he patiently waited in his truck until he could come in. We would watch tv and just talk. It was the cutest thing too...he would start next to me on the couch...and would seriously inch his way over until he was RIGHT next to me...but that's as far as it went...just sitting next to each other. And I'm glad he didn't try anything...I wasn't ready for much more than a friend. And you could tell he wanted to kiss me....but I wouldn't even hug him when he left...any intimacy was too much for me...it meant I would be vulnerable...and I couldn't do it.
So Paws and Pearls....way fun. Again, The Officer was extremely attentive....something I'm NOT used to....opening my door....making sure I had a drink if I needed one....made me feel like part of his group. I have never had a guy that I felt was proud to show me off...and he made me feel just that way. It felt great....so I let loose....had one too many vodka tonics....almost positive that it was vodka with a splash of tonic....and I got flirty. After the banquet everyone was headed to one of the bars. E had a sitter...I had a few drinks in me....eh why not...to the bar! I don't remember what we talked about on the way to the bar....but when we got there and The Officer came to open my door he leaned in...and I kissed him. I remember thinking to myself, "he's never going to kiss you because you'll never let him" so I had to do it myself. He says he was going to kiss me....but didn't want to because I got a little schnockered that night. Ha!
Anyway, after that I let my guard down....at least a little bit. A few weeks later they were starting renovations at our house so E and I literally got kicked out and had to crash with a friend. I was so sad too...our first Christmas solo and we had to take down our tree....our decorations....everything. The Officer knew how sad I was too...and he wanted E's first Christmas in WY to be a good one....so he went shopping. He asked me for a few ideas....so I gave him a couple ideas of what E was into. Thinking he would grab one toy....nope....he got everything....every idea I gave him....he had wrapped and ready. He brought them down the day before we left for CO for Christmas....E was so excited too. He LOVED it...and I loved the fact that he went out of his way to make my child feel special. The Officer doesn't know this...but I cried myself to sleep that night...not because I was sad....but because I knew that the man I had been praying for....the one that would love me and E unconditionally....I knew I had found him. Now I knew exactly why I was drawn to make the move from OK to WY.

A Love Story....Part Two

E has school 3 days a week so I only leave for lunch on the days he’s at daycare all day…so The Officer called and asked if he could come to town and take me to lunch on Tuesday…sure, why not...I'll get a free lunch. So we went to lunch…had a good time….no big deal. I talk a lot...especially when I'm nervous....so I was talking and at one point I got side tracked and then started to go back but couldn't remember what I was saying....so I said, "What was I talking about?" And The Officer just smiled and said, "I don't know, you were smiling" I've heard it before...that I have a pretty smile...I don't believe it...it's crooked and weird...but it was nice to hear it from him.
Then I got back to work and about an hour later I got roses and cupcakes delivered….what?!?!? No one sends me flowers ya crazy! Especially not for no reason at all...this just doesn’t happen…I’m cute…but not that cute…I’m cool….but not that cool. But he makes me feel like I am.
I've been waking up around 3 a.m. for the last few years. Sometimes I can sleep thru the night....but more than likely I'm up for about an hour around that time. I would usually just play a few games on my phone until my eyes felt heavy again I could fall back asleep. It just so happened that The Officer was working the midnight shift...so I had someone to text while I was awake. And he wanted to know EVERYTHING about me...so he just asked question after question. And it was cute....it was a constant game of 20 questions...and when he couldn't think of anything else to ask me we would play the game "ticket or no ticket" while he was working....I hate to admit it....but I've made the kid a softy....he gives out more warnings now because of that game, ha!
So for a couple of weeks we would just text each other and go out to lunch occasionally. He would always talk about meeting E....and you know me...I wasn't about to let that happen...I didn't even want to get MY hopes up about this relationship...no way was I going to let him meet E. I got duped again...
I was talking to him about a few things I was going to do to my house...painting, scraping the ceilings, etc but I kept forgetting to go to the hardware store to pick up some drop cloths. Well, his dad owns a furniture store here in town, so one night he just dropped by because he wanted to drop something off for me. E was busy playing in the play room so I told him he could drop it off really fast but that he couldn't stay and hang out. He said okay. Well of course by the time he got there E was done playing by himself and was out demanding that I pay attention to him...so he got to meet him. He dropped off a ton of plastic for me....which in turn made a great game for E...he would climb on his tv stand and jump into the plastic...thank Heavens I made him quit...can you imagine me having to call his dad because he hurt himself jumping into plastic?!?!?!
Anyway, here was a guy....who was doing things for me and E WITHOUT me asking....when I was used to E's dad doing nothing even when I DID ask...I'm just used to doing things on my own. To me this was so weird...and I honestly didn't know how to even process it...I was so nervous of getting hurt again...and E getting hurt too. To this day his dad doesn't know how much he hurt him because of things he's done...how could I possibly give someone else the chance to hurt him again?
I had to think about things...really think about things...

A Love Story...

Admitting faults isn't my strong suit...I'll admit I'm not perfect and I'm at fault...but beyond that you won’t get much….and I know exactly why that is…and I verbalized it for the first time ever just last night…and you can thank The Officer for that…he’s amazing…and this is why…
When I moved I didn’t plan on dating…anyone. I had come to terms with my life and made the decision that E was my life…and I would devote every part of my being to just being his mom….being the best mom and dad that any single mom could be. I made that decision before I even moved…and I think I’ve done a great job….E is a happy and healthy little guy…and I don’t want to pat myself on the back too much…but I think I had a lot to do with that…just me. So when I moved and people wanted to set me up I just kind of blew it off. PLUS I was “talking” to B…so I paid no attention to anyone else besides E. So when things tapered off with B I just assumed I could go back to being just mom....nope, the match-makers shifted into full gear and I got set up…on a blind date….at a Fish and Wildlife Banquet…really?!?!?! I am by no means a “city girl”…but I’m not exactly the outdoorsy type either! So I didn’t want to go…and I had no intentions of going. I came up with every excuse in the book too….but The Realtor wasn’t about to let me out of it…and when she told me how much he had spent on the tickets I felt guilty and decided to go…on a side note I found out he spends the money on the tickets every year and just never goes…yup, I was duped.
Anyway, I went and had a good time. It was a group date….The Realtor and The Investigator came, as well as The Sheriff and The Ranger. And thank Heaven’s they did…The Officer barely spoke to me! Ha! But it was a good time….he was very attentive and courteous and made me feel like I belonged there…and it helped that he was cute ;-)
E was with a sitter…and I hate getting him a sitter…I never know if he’s going to be okay with anyone other than me…and SURPRISE he’s completely fine without me. But I had the sitter there at 5 so we all could meet up and head to the banquet. I was told it wouldn’t be long either….then as 9 is rolling around I started to get nervous and I really wanted to get home to E….so The Officer offered to drive me to my car so I could go home and make sure E got to bed...that scored points.
So, we get to my car and he asks for my number…and although my initial thought was “heck no…I don’t date” I figured, “Eh what’s the harm…he’ll give up eventually”…so I gave it to him. I didn’t expect to hear from him for at least a couple days….boy was I wrong…

To be continued…

Forgiveness

Okay....to say I love my mother would be an understatement...that woman is the MOST amazing woman I know. Not only did she raise 4 kids by herself after my dad passed away, she has had to live with RA since she was 11...she has literally suffered her entire life with physical pain, and emotional pain, and through it all she stayed happy, positive and loving, true to herself, and faithful in her beliefs. If any of that was untrue she was good at hiding it. I have seen her deal with more than I would ever want anyone else to deal with...whether I liked them or not. I am completely humbled and in awe of that woman....and I miss her everyday that I'm away from her. The week before Christmas my friend J and I got together to make Christmas treats...and I kept saying, "This makes me miss home" because it did...my mom would always make our teachers little boxes of yummy candies for their Christmas gifts...and just smelling those smells took me back. And when I left I cried the entire way home...45 minutes. So needless to say I was READY to see my mom in Colorado for the holidays....E and I were BOTH so excited to see our Bubba. I even talked her into riding with me to meet E's dad halfway the day after Christmas...which is never a fun experience for anyone because I'm a complete wreck after leaving him....doesn't matter who I leave him with...complete wreck.
And of course, we listened to klove on the radio. A question was asked to the listeners about a popular song...Forgiveness by Matthew West..."What do you do if you've asked someone for forgiveness but they choose not to forgive you?" And we listened to those that called in and my mom asked me how I felt about that question and that song. I feel very strongly that if you ask for forgiveness and the other party chooses not to forgive you, you pray for them and you move on...end of story. BUT, my mother being the trickster that she is, was trying to get at that I myself don't forgive...especially myself. E's dad will never ask for forgiveness and that's fine...he'll never admit that anything he did or does, is or was wrong....that's not him...he's one of those people that is only concerned with himself...so if it doesn't bother him, it doesn't bother him end of story...and I've accepted that and moved on. So why can't I forgive myself?

Recap of 2012

Holy buckets!! 2011 knocked E and I on our butts....and 2012 was a rebuilding year...and boy was it! It was a year of firsts for us and we made it amazing...and we plan on making 2013 just as amazing and memorable. I couldn't have done it without my family and friends....but more importantly without E....he's my rock in everything that keeps my head level and my focus clear. Here's just a few highlights from 2012...with 2013 promising to have more...

• I turned 31 and E turned 4...I am a dinosaur...
• I attended Mac World in San Francisco...and visited Alcatraz and Fisherman's Wharf...way cool
• Got super close with 4 of my already super close friends....they are absolutely amazing and I miss them DAILY
• Moved E and I 850 miles away from the home we've only known
• Bought a new car
• E decided he was potty trained
• Spent most of the summer with my sister and nephews...E loves being so close to them
• Went to CNS and watched Danny race
• Worked cattle for the first time....which also meant stepping in more cow poop than I've ever seen
• E played on his first soccer team
• Flew to Arizona for the first time
• Slept in a tent....true story
• Spent the entire month of August away from my baby....longest month of my life!
• Cried more happy tears and sad tears than ever before
• E started preschool...and he loves it
• Got E a puppy
• Went to our first hockey game
• Got set up on a blind date for a Fish and Wildlife banquet (you read that right)...and the guy was absolutely THE nicest guy I've ever met
• Got thrown into Accounts Payable....still learning...but so far I like it
• Bought my very first house!!!

Nothing to write home about...and I'm sure I'm leaving a ton out....but truth be told it's been a crazy and exciting year. E and I have learned a lot about each other...learned our weaknesses and our strengths...and our love for each other has grown immensely. Without E I wouldn't have made it...and that's a fact. Of course, nowadays everything seems to be related to songs...and this reminds me what's important when I hear it...because that little guy is the reason for everything.

Sometimes it feels like, I’m gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.
This life would kill me If I didn’t have you
I couldn’t live without you baby
I wouldn’t want to
If you didn’t love me so much
I’d never make it through
This life would kill me If I didn’t have you

Story of my life

No big secret that I'm independent....or completely content with doing things on my own...so this horoscope came as a bit of a gut punch....because I've been trying sooo hard to not be so closed off...I've pushed a lot of wonderful people away because I've always just assumed if I don't let them get too close I won't get hurt.

 

Idk...I'll figure it out....eventually....

 

"You might be keeping yourself somewhat detached from the people who care about you most right now -- are you sure you're not pushing them away? Right now it's important that you connect with others, not disconnect. Look into this today. Ask one or two friends if they feel you're closed off or aloof. Pick their brain for ideas on how you can open yourself up a bit more. It's about time that you trusted in others enough to show them who you really are."

I love LW and Miss Ruby...yes I do

It's uncanny that these two women always know when to send me an encouraging text or email...just when I think I'm about to give up...I love them dearly and I'm so grateful that I have people that look out for me. Blessed beyond words.

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.” -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland