Taking things for granted...

Just like everyone else, I'm human and I take things for granted. I didn't mean to...it just sort of happened. Three years ago I was terrified of being a single mom, now I'm not so scared.

Saying E's dad and I got along would be a total lie...we fought...bad. I didn't know his family....I didn't even really know him. I was sick to my stomach thinking that I was going to have to share my child with this person who I couldn't even talk to without fighting the urge to scream! I was stressed and totally freaked out.

A wonderful co-worker would calm me down every day and remind me that "babies change everything" and for the most part she was right. The DAY I had E, his dad seemed nicer...and not so butt-headish. He came almost everyday to see E and I made the effort to travel to his home to get to know his family and the people I would eventually have to leave my child with when dad got him.

And they're good people...I totally lucked out. They love my child and they take care of him, and I couldn't have asked for better. They put me at ease and opened their home and hearts to us, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Things were going well...a few months after E got here, his dad and I even talked about marriage. I'm not one to rush into anything...especially marriage...so I asked him to wait and see how the first year went...then we'd talk about it.

Well...three years later and now we're "over". Which hurts because just a few months ago he was wanting to run off to Mexico and get married...he told me to go pick out three styles of rings for him to choose from. He reassured me over and over again that we would get married. He would go as far as to send me texts saying he wished we were married. HE did all of this...and now HE'S not happy? WHUCK?!?!? Oh...and we can be GREAT friends?!???? Are you SERIOUS?

Let's not forget that he decided this about 2 days AFTER we took our first ever family pictures. AWESOME...I'll be sure to put that in the baby book....see E, here's the last time we were a "family"...isn't that nice? :::smiley face wink:::

I'm not bitter...I'm not even sure I was happy either...I know I took what I thought  we had for granted. I miss hugs...and kisses...and love you texts...if I said I didn't, I'd be lying. Who knows when anyone will ever pay attention to me again...I'm not concerned with it, but thinking about being a single mom forever makes me sad...just a little.


I'm tired of the "it's not you, it's me" excuse...I can't just turn off my emotions...he lead me to believe so much in the last 3 years...and now he just wants me to act like "we" never happened? It's apparent that I had more invested in the relationship...and for E's sake, that sucks. I'm disappointed that someone who was adamant about me staying with him...throwing in my face that I'll never have the same last name as E if I left could be so cold and heartless and make me feel like I never mattered.

I know time heals...and I don't doubt that someday I'll look back and think to myself that this was supposed to happen exactly how it happened. Until then, though...I'd appreciate some closure...closure that I know I won't ever get, but a girl can dream.

Bless his heart...

At the end of the day I'm right where I want to be, at home with my tiny sweetheart...which brings me to a fairly funny story...last night while I was getting the little stink to the tub I realized he had a messy pull-up...no worries son, lay down on the floor, mommy to the rescue! (yes I change him on the floor. I have neither the energy, nor the muscle to hoist his hiney up on a changing table, don't judge - he's 3 anyway, he should be using the P-O-T-T-Y gosh darnit!)

Picture this...a 3 year old with a pull-up and tennis shoes on...there is no method to the way we undress at my house...he lays down, I remove the pull-up, wipe his toosh and turn to throw away the mess...when I turn back around, my child who is now only in tennis shoes, is crab-walking all over the place just giggling up a storm and showing the world his "goods"....OMG I hope he only does this at home!

I'm not sure if I should be asking everyone to bless his heart or bless mine...hmmmm?

HUGS*

Just like many of my friends, I'm having a difficult time dealing with the passing of a friend. At 29, Katie was beautiful, professional, incredibly sweet, and full of energy and life. When people talk about how wonderful she was they're not lying. This girl was always positive, always smiling, and always made you feel important. Disbelief, shock, and numbness is how I've felt the last few days.

I've thought a lot, sometimes too much, about friends, family, work, everything really...life can change in an instant, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. In my moments of searching for clarity I've been overwhelmed with emotion, sometimes it's irritation because I feel people are being petty and selfish, sometimes I feel alone because I'm not best friends with someone anymore, and other times I feel so blessed with what I have. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. I want to live my life more like Katie lived hers and if I teach Little E anything I want it to be this.

"Be one who nurtures and who builds. Be one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart, who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them. If we could look into each others hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently"

- Marvin J. Ashton

Hug your sweethearts a little tighter today, tell people you love them, and let go of things that don't matter.

All the Single Mommies...

I follow a lot of blogs...they're somewhat of an escape for me. Reading about other people's ups and downs, following their lives, and occasionally having a "me too!" moment. However, when I sit to write about the day to day happenings that make up my oh-so-glamorous life I'm stumped. I have nothing to say, nothing profound to leave on the inter-webs, not anything funny to write about, and to be honest nothing interesting at all to entertain the small crowd that knows this blog exists. I started this blog to update family and friends on Mr. E's progress...and well, I failed...big surprise! He's now 3 and I've posted a half dozen times....some sort of record I'm sure, right? Sooooooo with that being said I'm changing it up a little...I'm going to just update you on life...our crazy, beautiful, oh-so-glamorous life...get excited!

As most of you know, I'm a single mama. Which means, for about 95% of the time I'm parent numero uno! Which in turn makes me a professional...trust me on this one...I know everything! :::smiley face wink:::

Back to reality...or wait, my oh-so-glamorous life.
My little man, my pride and joy, apple of my eye, my absolute entire world - is about to send me to the looney bin...seriously. Everything is a fight...putting on his shoes, picking up his toys, going to bed, brushing his teeth, eating his veggies (or anything other than chips at this point)...all things I do as a mother to annoy the holy schmidt out of him, right? Of course!

He's 3, and I get that...but why hasn't he learned that I'm the boss?!?!? I tell him every day! I've even answered his many "why?" questions with "because I'm the mommy, that's why!" and he still hasn't learned! We have our good days and our bad days...at this point I wonder if he's bipolar. Just yesterday he had such an emotional morning (and I still can't figure out what set him off) that I almost called in sick to work. Kicking and screaming, for what I don't know because he never actually told me.

However....at the end of the day (or at least most days) he cuddles up to me, tells me I'm his favorite, and everything is back to perfect. I try hard to be mom and dad both and I feel like I fail most days...and as he gets older it gets just a little bit harder to figure him out. At some point I'll figure it out...I'm sure...but until then I suppose I could just sit back and enjoy the roller coaster ride. Weeeee!!!! And yes...that's my child on the potty....enjoy!

I...

• I am: a mom, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a laugher, a random individual, a slight perfectionist, and a little bit of a control freak.
• I think: life is often hard, and because of that we need to relish in the joyful moments.
• I know: I am capable of and deserve everything I want in life.
• I want: happiness, love.
• I have: an amazing family and awesome friends...I delight in the stability of their chaos.
• I dislike: confusion, dishonesty.
• I miss: the energy I once had. The ability to jump out of bed, ready to take on the day.
• I fear: being alone, not being able to give Easton everything he deserves.
• I feel: compelled to live the golden rule....even if no one else does.
• I hear: music, always.
• I smell: nothing...OK spring = allergies :o)
• I crave: attention and acknowledgment from those I love...and the occasional Tiger Butter Apple!
• I usually: wear heels...but my feet always crave flip flops!
• I cry: more now than I ever have before...when I feel the pressure of life the most.
• I search: for socks....Eastons tiny socks....daily.
• I wonder: if I'll ever love myself so someone else can love me too.
• I regret: not spending more time with my dad before he passed away, quitting piano, and losing touch with some wonderful friends.
• I wish: on occasion, I could rewind the day and start over...I love my life...but I make enough mistakes for an army...usually before 10 a.m.
• I love: the sound of Easton snoring when he's truly asleep, the way my nephew cries when we have to say goodbye because I know I mean as much to him as he means to me, the way my family has grown closer since we've all "grown up", the cool feeling of my sheets when I first crawl into bed, and smells that remind me of my past.
• I care: about people, deeply.
• I always: count my flaws when I should be counting my blessings.
• I see: people's potential and wish they could see it too.
• I worry: about everything, but mostly about making good decisions.
• I am not: the "typical" girl.
• I remember: more how people make me feel, good or bad.
• I believe: in karma.
• I sing: in the car....when I'm alone.
• I argue: when I feel someone can't see my point of view.
• I write: far too little...I'm working hard on this blog though!
• I win: very seldomly. Competitive by nature, but less concerned with winning...if that even makes sense.
• I lose: when it comes to relationships.
• I don't understand: why I've had to learn several of the lessons I've learned.
• I usually can be found: picking up toys, doing laundry, or playing with my sweetheart.
• I need: to lighten up when it comes to spontaneity....but easier said than done!
• I forget: almost instantly...Easton's attention span will surpass mine by the time he's in school I'm sure.
• I'm happy: with my life...the decisions I've made...and the person I'm becoming.