These chucks were made for walking...

I've been thinking about this post for awhile now - not sure how to write it, or even if I should. It really is a sensitive subject right now and I've had to keep a few things to myself. We all know I internalize a lot - my sister gets to hear the majority of all my struggles - but everyone else is kept in the dark. A few friends who know me well enough to know something is wrong, know - but they don't dare force me to talk about it.
E and I are moving. This wasn't a quick decision - it was very thought out, prayed about, and an extremely overanalyzed (on my part) decision. I've weighed every option - made my pros and cons lists (like a good Capricorn would) and when it comes down to it, this move is a good move for me and E - and that is my main priority. We are very excited to be closer to my sister and nephews - but far enough that we have our own space.
I feel strongly that this is what is supposed to happen. I feel very blessed with this opportunity and I'm looking forward to the future.

My little Cancer...

So a while ago I posted about my sign and how it really does describe me...almost to a "T"...so as I was a bit taken back by how creepy and dead on my zodiac sign was....I checked out E's...here's what I have to look forward to...

• As a cancer you sometimes get negative on life for no reason.
• Cancers are romantics and are difficult to deal with in the beginning, but once in love, they're easy to get along with.
• Although cancers have pride in their skills, they frequently find themselves uncertain.
• Cancers are very predictable and usually stick to routine.
• Cancers can peer into the hearts of people and determine their inner thoughts and wishes.
• Cancers are best at picking the perfect moment to do or say something.
• As a cancer you don't like it when you're pressured to say or do something or when you are put on the spot.
• Cancers will choose someone who can understand them as best as possible.
• Cancers can always spot the difference between sincere compliments and the ones intended simply to persuade.
• As a cancer you appear cool and composed but underneath you may feel unsure of yourself and not good enough.
• Cancer is a faithful friend and will give up their own comfort to help out another.
• Even though Cancers like new things, they love what they already have.

And my favorite...

• As a Cancer you're not one to initiate a fight, but you're a fierce opponent when provoked.

Awesome...this explains soooooooo much!

Some of my favorite inspirations...

I've been slacking again...and I know...but I haven't had a lot going on besides the mundane crap that goes on week to week...so I'm taking a minute to be inspired...and I want to share a few of my favorite inspirational quotes....sayings...whatever you want to call it...the things that give me a warm fuzzy :o)

• I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it.
• Love me without restriction, trust me without fear, want me without demand and accept me for who I am.
• Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
• You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make.
• The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell.
• Don't ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance, and my kindness for weakness.
• Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure the difficult one.
• People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.. Give your best anyway.
• Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.
• When we put our problems in God's hands, He puts His peace in our hearts.
• What comes easy, won't always last. And what will last, won't always come easy.
• Welcome the unexpected changes in life. Learn to bend with grace and humility. Grow through it all and never forget to take notice of the beauty changes can bring.
• It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to love after it’s been broken.
• Smile when you're hurt. Laugh when you want to cry. Have faith in yourself when nothing seems right. Believe in your heart. Trust that even though it’s hard now, in the end you’ll be okay.

Delusional...I know

So I've slacked...I know...you're completely disappointed in me...I'll make it up to you...but for now, just believe me that it's been a crazy few weeks around here...and I'm STILL trying to get back to a routine!

Okay...don't judge...but I've been a ROLLERCOASTER of an emotional ball today...and it started around 2:30 this morning...I just woke up...and couldn't stop crying...no idea why...just couldn't stop. And I try...I do...I try so hard not to cry...because let's be honest...it's not attractive...no one likes the red puffy eyes...no one likes to try and console someone who just can't stop crying...it's not fun for anyone...but I couldn't help it...the tears just kept coming!

And when I get to that point where I can't just STOP the waterworks I pray...I pray because I don't expect my Heavenly Father to just make me happy, or give me what I so selfishly ask for...I just pray because I don't want to hurt anymore...end of story...I know I'm a strong person, I know that "time heals", I'm an extremely rational and realistic person...but I hurt sometimes...and it sucks...and I'm just ready for something good to happen to me.

I had to give E to his dad this morning...and today of all days was the day I needed him here the most...but I can't be selfish and keep him from his time with his dad...and that made it double suck today.  I had a friend the other day tell me that she honestly believes there is not one vindictive bone in my body...and there's not...I know that...I'm a schmuck who lets people treat her like poo and STILL end up apologizing...but I WISH there was a really mean bone somewhere in me...I WISH I could just be mean...to be able to stand up for myself...and actually STICK to it. I always tell everyone, if you don't like the way someone is treating you it's okay to tell them 'hey, this isn't nice and I don't like it'...now if that doesn't show I'm a schmuck I don't know what will...because I can't do that myself! And it makes me so mad!

I love my life...I do...I have an amazing son...an amazing family....amazing friends...there is no reason I should ever feel like my life isn't amazing...but today...OH MY GAH today...it just SUCKED!

I have another friend, who bless his heart...well no, maybe not bless his heart...because I'm not sure if I can believe much of what he says anymore...but he states that he can't be alone...so he fills the void with whatever is available...and that makes me sad...but I can't say that I'm much different...I'm different, but not much. I'm never alone...always surrounded with friends or family...which is never a bad thing...if I didn't have the support system that I have I would be an emotionally exhausted and miserable person...and I know that. BUT I do get lonely...every Tuesday night...when I come home without my child. That's when things start to get lonely and my emotions tend to make themselves known.

I don't sleep much on Tuesday nights...my mind wanders...it's too quiet in the house...even when I leave the TV on or the dog is snoring...my mind wanders and my heart hurts. I miss my child and the comfort I get from him...not my ex...but my constant companion. So, 125 days ago...and I know it's 125 bc my twitter told me...but this guy started following my tweets...no clue how or why...and he says I started following him...but I don't add a lot of people on my twitter...because I’m not very good at tweeting...but anyway, about 9 days ago I learned something new about the ex (because I’m learning that a lot of our relationship, or lack thereof, was a lie) and so I tweeted something about not liking someone more than ever...and he tweeted back asking what was going on...nbd...he's LDS...lives in UT...only 24...so he's harmless...no worries...but I messaged back...and those of you who know me...know that I would never in a million years ever do that...so this was weird.

And he's so nice...and at 24 he checks up on me...instead of me being the mother! And although that freaks me out...just a little bit...maybe it's what I need right now...no I'm not "falling" for this guy...get real...he's 24 and lives in UT...but it's nice to talk to someone who doesn't know me, but asks about me...even if he's not interested in me...he's not making me feel like a schmuck and that's nice. It gives me hope that maybe, just maybe I'll find the guy that I need in my life. I'm not looking for perfect...I'm just looking for perfect for me...and E.

Knowing that he's LDS and an RM has made me think about my faith. I still listen to KLove all the time, because I still can't listen to any other music without feeling like crap...and today I heard a song that made sense to me...for the last 5 months I've felt lonely and heartbroken at least once a week on the day E's with his dad...and you know I pray...because I just want to be comforted...not by anything superficial that will only temporarily fill the void...because we all know I'm not ready to date anyone...oy vey...and I can't even tell you what the song is called because I didn't catch it the first time when they were talking about it...and I've searched KLove's website trying to find it...with no luck...but I heard it on the way home from the movies tonight...and the line that spoke to me...that mind you I can't remember exactly how it went...but it was something similar to "when you're broken hearted or hurting, it's then that I'm near you"...and that means so much to me...because all those times I've cried to not hurt anymore...because I know my heart is broken...all those times I felt like my Heavenly Father was trying to teach me to be stronger was really him trying to get me to let go and just be comforted by Him.

I have a lot of responsibility...and I have to be strong for so many people...and for so many reasons...but my tweeter friend asked me what I was looking for in a guy...and the first thing that came to my mind was, I want to find someone that finally makes me feel like I can be vulnerable...that I don't always have to be the strong one...that doesn't show emotion...that pushes my feelings aside because someone else's are more important...and I don't want to lose myself completely or come across like I'm no longer concerned with my family or friends...I love being someone they can depend on and come to...but I'm learning (at least today) that I deserve to just let everything out and be comforted. And of course I cried...lol, no surprise today...but it finally felt good to cry....because even though I look at me crying as a weakness I could honestly feel the comfort I've been needing for so long...and it felt so good...it wasn't a hug from someone special...or a kiss on the cheek...but it was a comfort that I haven't felt lately.

I know my heart still hurts...and I know that one day I'll find the one I'm supposed to be with...the one who finally lets me be me...and I know that because I feel my Heavenly Father's love...and I'm allowing myself to feel it…and I'm going to be a better person, a better mom, better daughter, sister, and friend because of that love.

Looking for humor...

Okay...so this week I finally got INTO my 30's.....yaaaaay!!!

And it hasn't been so bad...except the whole ex introducing his girlfriend of 3 months to my child...but then again I guess 3 months IS a serious relationship to a 22 yr old...so whatever...I'm looking for the humor in my daily shenanigans with the ex...he's not taking anything seriously...so why should I? Bleh...but seriously...I'm learning to relax and find the humor in his stupidity...this should be fun! We all know what he's thinking with...and I think we can all agree it's NOT his head :::smiley face wink:::

I haven't even cried about it...although I did manage to make my friend cry about it. She feels so bad for the crap I have to deal with...and bless her heart, because I totally agree that dealing with him is ridiculous...but really...what can I do? I have many more years to come of dealing with his craptastic antics...so here's to a life that will NEVER fall short of entertaining...and the urge to slap the crap out of someone :::raises glass...clink:::

I know that E is only 3...and with a little grace and a lot of luck he won't remember his dad ever acting like a tard...at least I pray that he's as naive as his mama! I want him to look for the good in people...and trust that people are honest...and I want him to STILL look for the good in people when they prove to NOT be honest. I want him to stand up for what's right...even if it means he stands alone. I want him to know that people do stupid things without thinking about them...but I also want him to know that those stupid things aren't okay...that you need to think about what you're doing...you need to be aware that every choice you make has an impact on others...good or bad.

Here's the humor for today...I was messaging the ex's mother, discussing next week and my concern with leaving E with them because of what had happened yesterday....and she literally messaged "I hope that one day you'll be happy..." whuck!?!?!? Why does everyone in that family think I'm not happy? Because I feel like what they're doing and how they're handling this is slightly on the careless side? I'm extremely disappointed in a lot of their choices...but I understand that I can't control them...I have to accept that they don't see things my way. I just wish they'd understand that I AM happy. I'm home with my child every night...the only good thing about my ex...is home with ME every night. Just because I'm not jumping into a relationship doesn't mean I'm not happy.

The ex and I are polar opposites...it's glaringly obvious at this point...I don't need to go from relationship to relationship...I'm completely capable of standing on my own two feet...of taking care of my responsibilities before myself. He's not...he can't be "single"...it's impossible...just ask his family...they'll even tell you about his "track record"...and that's what I think is humorous...that everyone (but me) is okay with him being stupid about things because that's "just him"...whatever...he can date who he wants...he can do what he wants...but my child is better than the choices he's making...and my child deserves better than what he's getting. The ex is turning out to be more like his tard cousin than I realized...and I'm sorry...but I refuse to let the ex treat my child like his cousin treated his son. And as of yesterday I don't trust him anymore...and I'm putting my foot down, for my child...I may not be able to control the situation...but by golly I'm not going to just sit back and let him drag my child through his crap.

So have a good laugh at my expense...because I can almost guarantee that this is just the beginning...and it's going to get MUCH more entertaining. So grab your soda, your candy and your popcorn...sit back with me...and enjoy the show...because those of you who know me will be laughing at the same crap :::smiley face wink:::

Healing your heart

Okay...so I didn't exactly pay much attention in church today...I know...naughty naughty...BUT I have a slightly good excuse...

Today the preacher was talking about healing your heart...and the only person who can do that is...you guessed it, Jesus. He talked about how going to church was good, studying the scriptures, prayer, and a whole list of other things (told you..I quit listening)...and they help...but only Jesus can heal your heart.

Okay...I partly stopped listening because I kept laughing (in my head) because of the conversation that Jersey and I had a couple months ago...friends will remember this...the one where he told me God answered my prayers with him (no I do not pray for men)...because he's going to heal my heart and we're going to live happily ever after....wah wah wah...yes...I want my fairytale...but not in the GTL form...sorry Jersey...we're just friends...k thx bye.

Anywhoooo....I also had a hard time listening because I was thinking of all the ways I thought I was healing my own heart...and how I've always felt something was missing. Let's see if I can make sense...

The ex deals with our demise differently...he went out to the bars and jumped into a relationship with another girl...I don't know what goes through his head..I know what I see and I think he handled everything poorly....but at the same time...I'm not him...obviously.

I've taken, and am still taking, the time to figure out what's best for E...and me...and just trying to get my schmidt together. My friends will tell you I'm doing a great job...and most days I feel like I am...but just like any process that involves emotions some days are better than others. So...I go to church...I haven't sworn off men...but I'm not looking to get hitched any day soon...I'm not even sure dating is an option :::scary:::...I've surrounded myself with wonderful friends, for both E and me...I've prayed...and prayed...and prayed....I've done things for me that I haven't done in a LOOOOOOONG time :::pretty nails:::: and I've just tried to figure out what I really want...what's best for me and E.

But something is missing...and I was compelled to go talk to the preacher after church..but I couldn't bring myself to do it...but let's be honest, I only get to see K's family every so often so even heading to Taco Bell compelled me more...

I'm not sure how long this healing process will take...because I don't feel like I'm hanging on to a relationship that isn't there...I don't feel like I'm in a bad place...but I don't know when I'll find peace. Even when I start to think that whatever is happening "isn't right"...that whatever the ex is doing is stupid...or whatever random thought that enters my head...because I know deep down what's right...E deserves two parents that adore him, regardless if they're together or not.

I'm the one who's worked with an attorney on custody and visitation...and all that other super fun stuff...so I proposed a new visitation schedule that I think will work best for everyone...of course I can't say what I want to out loud...or even on facebook or twitter or here...so I text my friend G...who always knows exactly what to say...so after I made her laugh she just told me to "keep on keeping on"...and that's what I plan on doing.

There's light at the end of my tunnel...and my heart is getting stronger every day...and it's only a matter of time that whatever is meant to happen will happen...as crappy as my life seems some days...it's completely perfect to me...heartbreak and all :o)

Here's my sign...

So here's the creepy, accurate descriptions of a capricorn...and a few that are WAY off...see if you can figure me out...

• Capricorns take things one step at a time; do not expect them to jump into anything headfirst.
• Capricorns humor may be dry, but it is very funny and has a way of coming out when others least anticipate it.
• If a capricorn ever suffers from insecurity, you will be the very last to be informed on it.
• Humble and industrious, capricorns are not afraid of starting small and working their way up from the very bottom.
• Capricorns at times have a tendency of being rude to their partners, so they need someone who is not intimidated by their temper.
• Capricorns are all about completing their plans. They don't talk about them, they do them.
• Capricorns prefer older and intelligient lovers.
• At times a capricorn can be a bit awkward in their romances, but it comes off as cute.
• If you want to attract a capricorn woman appear stern, aloof and disconnected.
• If you want to turn off a capricorn, be belligerent, sluggish and spineless.
• In a serious relationship, capricorns are faithful although prone to jealousy.
• Capricorns are great organizers and have the ability to work on several projects simultaneously.
• A capricorn has a focused mind with the ability to handle crisis situations and get things done.
• As a capricorn you look for assurance and certainty and have a tendency to see things in black and white.
• Capricorns are natural worriers. Even when they've taken all the precautions they can possibly take, capricorns fret that they've forgotten something.
• A capricorn needs a partner who is serious, but at times can be lighthearted who will simply make them laugh.
• Capricorns can be very independent. They don't like being told what to do or how to do it.
• As a capricorn you may feel you can only depend on yourself.
• You can talk about anything, but do not poke your nose into capricorns feelings. When they feel secure and safe, they will open up.
• Capricorns self-sufficiency is usually mistaken for apathy, and they are not as cold as they seem. They like to do things on their own so there is no worry about something not being completed.
• A capricorn finds it extremely easy to merge into a group and will look like one of its original members.
• Capricorns have tons of masks they present to the world; they are known as distant and unresponsive, however, this is them hiding themselves.
• A capricorn who has once had their trust betrayed, by anyone, takes a long time to heal.
• Capricorns weaknesses: reserved, snobbish, and picky
• Capricorns are patient, reliable, careful, ambitious, and practical.
• A capricorn female hates careless errors. It's like get it right or don't bother trying.
• Capricorns are essentailly melancholy types who could do with a boost.
• A capricorn is a delightful debater, has a tough exterior, does not give second chances, has swinging moods, loves perfection and has high expectations.
• Capricorns are stubborn and skeptical. They hold grudges, are never satisfied, can be pessimistic, over ambitious and insatiable.

And of course....my favorite...

• A capricorn woman is a class act. The most self-composed, least showy lady in the zodiac.

If you want to check out your sign....go here.